


When Three’s Not a Crowd

by WhyDoIWrite



Series: Only In The Darkness Can You See The Stars [2]
Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: A coaching staff but make it gay, BFFs, Bathroom Sex, Cheating spouse, Divorce, F/F, Insecurity, It’s a Stanford Thing, It’s just smut, Lesbian Sex, Masturbation in Bathtub, Offseason Shenanigans, Strap-Ons, Threesome - F/F/F, USWNT, When your best friend decides she might be gay after all, blurring the lines
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-16
Updated: 2020-07-13
Packaged: 2021-02-27 08:54:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 35,815
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22264444
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WhyDoIWrite/pseuds/WhyDoIWrite
Summary: Emily and Kelley help Lindsey get over Russell.  In more ways than one.  And it may all have been Kelley’s idea.
Relationships: Kelley O'Hara/Emily Sonnett, Kelley O’Hara/Emily Sonnett/Lindsey Horan
Series: Only In The Darkness Can You See The Stars [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1602694
Comments: 115
Kudos: 424





	1. Shut Up and (Fly)

**Author's Note:**

> I linked this to Maybe Baby, but it’s really just a smutty aside, and completely unnecessary to the next part I’m going to write that follows their lives for another few years - from their New Year’s Day reunion til, well, sometime farther in the future. 
> 
> So if this kind of thing bothers you, don’t read it! You won’t be missing out on anything and there will be zero mention of this in the next part. So you can just skip to Part 3, whenever I get around to that. 
> 
> On the other hand, if this is your thing, I’ve done my best. And I’ve decided it’s too long for a one shot, so it will be chapters. I don’t know how many. But I’m making it robust enough to be a few short ones. Threesomes are not my thing, but I figured it would be fun, so sorry ‘bout it.
> 
> When I get around to Part 3, the timeline will be out of whack, so just remember that. This *could* just stand on its own.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lindsey left him. Finally. And that’s how she comes to stay with her best friend and her best friend’s ex-wife-turned-current-partner.

_Don't look in the mirror,_   
_He might have that look in his eyes._   
_The one that's so strong,_   
_It strangles your will to survive._   
_He's mastered the art_   
_Of looking sincere._   
_His eyes have a way of making you stay_   
_Don't look in the mirror._

  
  
**January, 2028**

“She left him. She’s getting a divorce.” Emily is leaning, arms crossed, on the doorframe that leads from the back part of their house into their den.

Emily sounds sad, yet relieved, a combination Kelley can certainly understand given the circumstances. “She caught him cheating. Again. She actually walked out this time. But only because he wouldn’t leave. She’s staying in a hotel tonight,” Emily continues.

Kelley doesn’t have to ask who Emily is taking about. She sets down the notebook she’s been using to plan her draft picks and picks up her phone. “Call her back and tell her she’s got a one-way ticket to Austin tomorrow morning.” She doesn’t even bother looking up from her phone when she says it, already clicking the Southwest app open and finding a flight out of Denver. There’s no hesitation, no giving it a second thought. Lindsey matters to Emily, so therefore, Lindsey, by default, matters to Kelley.

”What? Are you serious?” Emily asks, trying to contain her excitement.

”Yes I’m serious. If she actually physically left the house this time, maybe _she’s_ serious enough for it to stick. If we get her away from him for awhile, maybe she won’t go back again. If she stays there, he’ll just talk his way back into her life.”

”Baby,” Emily says softly, sitting down in Kelley’s lap and kissing her, trying to convey with her lips just how appreciative she is.

”Let me finishing booking the flight first,” Kelley laughs, pulling away. “When’s her birthday?”

”Kell,” Emily murmurs watching her finalize Lindsey’s flight. “Thank you for doing this. It means the world to me. I love you so much.”

”I know you do,” Kelley reaches up to touch Emily’s cheek. “I wouldn’t let her stay here if I didn’t know that.” 

And Kelley really means that. Still, after all these years, Kelley isn’t convinced Lindsey is straight. And she certainly wouldn’t invite Emily’s former crush into their home if she had any doubts about how much Emily loved her. But Lindsey is Emily’s best friend, after all these years and all the time spent apart, and Kelley knows that when Lindsey is hurting, Emily is hurting. She’s as sick of Russell as Emily is, and as much as she and Lindsey were never best friends, Kelley hates him for turning Lindsey into a shell of herself.

“Confirmation should be coming to your phone. Go call her back. And text that to her. She’s got a crappy boarding position because it’s within 24 hours already, but she can upgrade her own shit at the airport if she wants.” 

Kelley reaches around Emily to grab her notebook, but Emily doesn’t budge. This is why she loves Kelley. Just a few years ago, Lindsey was ready to beat the shit out of Kelley for breaking Emily’s heart. Just a few years ago, Kelley was trying to convince Lindsey to give life with Emily a shot instead of marrying Russell. And now, her partner is buying a ticket, for an indefinite amount of time, for her maybe former crush/best friend to come stay with them. Because that’s what Lindsey needs. Emily shifts in Kelley’s lap. Straddling her now. Speechless. Just like that, Emily’s gone from being angry at Russell and sad for Lindsey, to wanting to fuck Kelley on their couch.   
  
After all these years, their passion hasn’t waned. 

And after all these years, Kelley still won’t have sex on the couch. 

“Go. Call her back. Tell her to bring whatever she left with with her. We’ll get the rest sorted out when she gets here,” Kelley waves Emily away. ”And baby, tell her she can stay as long as she needs,” Kelley adds.

With one final kiss, Emily disappears into the back part of their house to call Lindsey so Kelley can get back to work. 

* * *

”Hey, Sonny.” Lindsey sounds stuffy, but she doesn’t sound like she’s crying anymore. So, progress. 

“Check your phone,” Emily says, probably sounding too happy given the circumstances. 

”Huh?” But then Lindsey’s phone buzzes. “Emily, what is this?”

”Kell bought you a ticket. Here. For tomorrow morning. So you can get the fuck outta Denver. And get the fuck away from him.”

Lindsey is utterly speechless for a full minute, as it sinks in that Kelley did this. Not Emily. _Kelley_. “It’s one way,” she says, still in disbelief, but finally able to find some words at least.

”Yeah, we’ll figure it out later. She wants you to stay with us for awhile. Maybe stay til pre-season. Or maybe once that asshole moves out of your house, you can head back to Denver if you really want, but don’t worry about that now. Just be at the airport tomorrow morning,” Emily instructs her.

”Sonnett, I can’t intrude on your lives like that. This is the only time you get to spend together. I’m not gonna be in the way. You’re just getting back- ”

Lindsey has no idea that Emily has been traded from Atlanta to Austin FC in exchange for a late-round draft pick, and is most likely going to finish out her career playing for Kelley. The news hasn’t broken yet, and won’t, until after the draft. 

”Please?” Emily begs, not caring that she’s interrupted Lindsey.

”This was _Kelley’s_ doing? You’re sure about that?” Lindsey sounds incredulous. 

”One hundred percent. I told her you left him and the next thing I knew, she was buying you a ticket here.”

”I don’t believe it.”

Emily heads back to their den, intent on proving it to Lindsey. “She doesn’t want to intrude on our life, Kell,” Emily says from the doorway, still holding her phone to her ear.

Kelley motions Emily towards her. “Give me the phone,” she says, reaching out. Emily hands it to her. “Horan. Shut the fuck up.”

”Hi to you too, Kell.”

”Get on the Goddamn plane tomorrow and come stay with us.” Kelley’s tone is stern, and frankly, Lindsey’s a bit scared of her still. Without being angry at Kelley anymore for what she did to Sonnett, Lindsey is suddenly back to being deferential to Kelley, just like she was when they were on the national team.

”I don’t want to be an inconvenience,” Lindsey says quietly. 

”You know what’s an inconvenience? My girlfriend being sad every couple of months because she finds out that your husband is still treating you like shit. You know what’s not an inconvenience? You spending a couple of months here. We have an extra bedroom. Emily’s learned to cook. Sort of. You can wash the dishes. How is this going to affect my life at all?”

”Well, I mean, I don’t want it to interfere with, you know, your sex life. Since you guys are apart so much,” Lindsey stumbles over her words, embarrassed.

”Then stay outta our bedroom. You can handle that, can’t you, Horan?”

”Uh-huh.”

”Good. Then it’s settled. See ya tomorrow. Here, talk to your girl,” she says cheerfully, handing the phone back to Emily. As Emily walks away again, Kelley yells, hopefully loud enough for Lindsey to hear, “And don’t tell that fucking asshole where you’re going!”

* * *

An hour later, Emily’s back in Kelley’s lap. Bothering her. Kissing on her neck. Nibbling on her earlobe. Sliding her hands up under Kelley’s sweatshirt. Trying to find a way to thank Kelley for being so understanding.

”You realize you got traded, right?” Kelley asks, only half annoyed. “This group that I bring in, it affects you, too now.”

It’s no use. When Emily’s fingertips find Kelley’s nipples, unencumbered by a bra, they both know Kelley’s draft planning is all over for tonight.

But as Kelley’s hands slide up Emily’s thighs, her mind drifts back to the conversation she had earlier. 

_Lindsey_. 

_Their bedroom_. 

The words keep flashing in her mind. 

Lindsey _in_ their bedroom. That though is more than just words. It’s something Kelley can actually picture.

Kelley physically shakes her head hard and fast, trying to rid her mind of the thought. But she can’t. And she doesn’t know why. Because it’s not the thought of Lindsey in her bedroom with Emily while Kelley’s at work. That thought doesn’t cross her mind at all, that Emily would cheat on her. It’s the thought of Lindsey, in their bedroom, with _them_ , that she can’t shake.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lyrics from “Shut up and Drive” by Chely Wright


	2. Shadows of Doubt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kelley’s good at a lot of things. She was a damn good soccer player, and now she’s a damn good coach. She’s a good cook. She’s good in bed. Turns out, she’s pretty good at giving advice, too.

_Lay down your head_   
_On cotton and feathers, so soft_   
_Let go of feelin' alone_   
_Have something that baby you're not_   
  
_And right now you don't call me friend,_   
_But I'm still here, where I've always been_   
_And even though you don't know it right now,_   
_I'll outlast the shadows of doubt_   
_Yeah, I'm stronger then shadows of doubt_   
  


“Shit, Kell, I’ve got that indoor youth camp this morning. I totally forgot. I’m not going to be able to make it to pick Lindsey up,” Emily smacks herself in the forehead, lamenting her forgetfulness.

”I didn’t forget. I’m getting her.”

”I can get her an Uber. I just need to text her when she wakes up,” Emily continues, as if she didn’t even hear Kelley.

”I’ve got her, we’re not making her take an Uber all the way out here.” Kelley’s tone makes it very evident that this isn’t going to be a discussion. 

”Are you sure?” Emily asks, sounding a bit concerned about the awkwardness on the long drive from the airport to their home. Kelley nods and goes back to her crossword, as Emily walks behind her to get more coffee, pressing a kiss into her shoulder. “You are the absolute best, you know that?”

Kelley murmurs her confirmation.

* * *

When Lindsey disembarks and makes her way to baggage claim, she’s looking for Sonnett. Not Kelley. And yet there Kelley sits, face buried in her phone, taking up two seats - one for her body and the other for her legs - in the row of chairs near the luggage carousels. She doesn’t even notice Lindsey. “Still got the gay sit going on, I see,” she says knocking Kelley’s feet to the ground. “Thought by your age you would have learned how to sit properly.”

“You don’t become less gay with age, loser!” Kelley grins up at Lindsey, genuinely happy to see her. _But you can become gay. Or gayer,_ she thinks to herself. She wraps Lindsey in a long and tight hug, wanting her to feel welcome, wanting to convey to her that despite everything that happened years ago, she really does care about her partner’s best friend. The feeling of that hug surprises Kelley - Lindsey’s strong arms wrapped around her shoulders, holding onto her, her own arms sliding so easily around Lindsey’s waist. It’s like they’ve always been friends. Like they never stopped. It feels strangely normal. Or better than normal, maybe. 

Except that Lindsey doesn’t relax into the hug the same way Kelley does. She feels tense. Strong, but definitely tense, and her smile just seems like it’s covering her pain; she’s not smiling with her eyes like she used to. Because she still doesn’t know if she trusts Kelley. 

Can’t make up her mind about whether Kelley deserves another chance after she cheated on Emily. 

Hasn’t acknowledged Emily’s role in everything even though Emily did - a long time ago. 

Besides, she finds Kelley intimidating. 

Even if this was all her idea.

  
“I’m really glad you came, Linds,” Kelley says into the taller woman’s chest, and she means it, which she also finds surprising. “Sonny’s got a thing, but she’ll be home soon. Maybe by the time we get there.”

Lindsey heads back to the conveyer belt to collect her baggage, and Kelley sits back down, feeling no particular obligation to follow. She watches Lindsey, still fit as ever, hoisting her baggage off the belt, and Kelley finds her mind slipping back to their national team days. Lindsey’s back, her arms, her shoulders, were always perfection. It’s no wonder Emily was crushing on her so hard for so long. Maybe if Kelley had let herself really appreciate Lindsey back then, she would have been crushing on her too. It’s not until Kelley stops daydreaming, and sees Lindsey has pulled a third large suitcase off the belt and is now standing there looking helpless to roll them all, that Kelley snaps out of it. Kelley’s expression must register something with Lindsey, because Lindsey blushes.

”I kinda packed some stuff before he got home, so he wouldn’t try to stop me when I confronted him,” Lindsey explains meekly.

Kelley realizes that to Lindsey, her expression did little to belie her surprise, but Lindsey thinks it’s at her amount of luggage, not at Kelley’s realization that Lindsey Horan is _fucking_ hot. Kelley blushes too, but shrugs, trying to hide it. “Smart girl.” She stands and grabs one of Lindsey’s rolling bags, and Lindsey follows her to the car.

* * *

Sonnett isn’t back yet when they arrive, and Kelley drops Lindsey’s luggage in the entryway, motioning her into the kitchen, but Lindsey just sits down in the breakfast room. “Hungry?” Kelley calls out. Lindsey shakes her head. “C’mon, Linds, when was the last time you ate?” Lindsey just shrugs, resting her chin on her arms, sadness sinking in again at the realization that she’s not in her own home anymore, not even in her own state. She appreciates Kelley and Sonnett helping her through this, but it’s not the same as being at home.

Kelley had been taking pizza dough out of the fridge to make lunch, but she stops and pulls up a chair next to Lindsey, throwing an arm across Lindsey’s broad shoulders and pulling her in. Lindsey buries her head in Kelley’s shoulder, sobbing. “I miss him,” she chokes out through the tears. 

”Oh, honey,” Kelley says soothingly. “You don’t miss him. You miss the _idea_ of him. Of the life he was supposed to give you. Of the life you dreamed of.”

The sound of the garage door opening interrupts them, and moments later, Emily bursts in. “I got kombucha, and avocados. And the bread we like. And dozens of eggs. We have eggs for days,” she says excitedly, proud of herself for grocery shopping. But then she sees Lindsey, sitting up off of Kelley, wiping away her tears, and it breaks Emily’s heart. In a second, she’s at Lindsey’s side, crouching down, and holding her, eyes desperately meeting Kelley’s over Lindsey’s shoulder. She doesn’t know what to do. She pleads for Kelley to help her help her friend. But Emily should know better than anyone; sometimes, these things just take time. Sometimes, the best you can do is just be.

Kelley gets up and goes back to the kitchen to make three homemade pizzas, topping hers with all the veggies and vegan cheese, Emily’s with pepperoni and pineapple because she’s still a child, and Lindsey’s with a combination, hold the pineapple, Emily instructs. Lindsey leans on Emily’s shoulder, thankful her best friend still knows her toppings preferences, because she doesn’t feel like talking.   
  
Or thinking. 

Or eating. 

But with some encouragement from Sonnett, she eats a piece of pizza with a bottle of kombucha. 

After lunch, Kelley has to head into the office to finalize the statement ownership will be giving regarding Emily’s trade next week. She leans down to kiss Emily, and Emily pulls her in, kissing her deeper than she normally does to say goodbye. And longer. “What’d I do to deserve that?” Kelley smiles, and Emily just shrugs and kisses the tip of Kelley’s nose with an equally big smile. It leaves Kelley buzzing. Kelley gives Lindsey a peck on the top of her head before she walks out the door. 

Emily gets one of her Christmas presents out - a 2000 piece puzzle - that still has the sticky notes with Kelley’s handwriting attached to it. 

_I love you. You know this.  
But sometimes I have to work,_ _and sometimes you need to entertain yourself._

_May the odds be ever in your favor._

_PS: don’t lose a piece. This isn’t even my puzzle, but I stg Sonny,_ _if you do,_ _my OCD will not be able to handle it._

 _PPS: I bought you a puzzle mat._ _Use it._ _This is not staying on our coffee table for_ _3 months while you finish._

Emily figures if Lindsey’s not ready to talk, the least she can do is distract her. 

* * *

Kelley brings home two bottles of wine and dinner from Counter Culture, figuring if the other two were tipsy enough, they wouldn’t complain about the vegan food she was forcing upon them. Emily has a roaring fire burning in the fireplace, and the three of them cuddle up under blankets on the couch with their to-go containers and wine glasses, Kelley and Emily on the ends and Lindsey tucked in between them. Eventually, Lindsey ends up with her head in Sonny’s lap, and tries to tuck her legs under her, but she doesn’t fit. Kelley pulls Lindsey’s legs into her lap without hesitation, and Lindsey shoots her a look, uncomfortable with the level of, well, comfort Kelley is showing her. Kelley ignores her and rubs her calves as Emily rubs her head. They watch Mean Girls, and Pitch Perfect, content to laugh at old movies from their youth.

”Babe, can we have a slumber party out here?” Emily asks sleepily, as they search for another movie on Netflix. Emily doesn’t want Lindsey to be alone in their guest bedroom. Neither does Kelley. 

“Why don’t y’all just go sleep in our bed?” Kelley suggests. “I’m going to clean up and maybe do some work.”

”Are you sure?” Emily asks.

”Yep. You’ll be more comfortable than you would on the floor out here.” 

It’s all so weird to Lindsey, given their history. Not just how she got into it with Kelley a couple of times after the divorce, but mainly because Sonnett was infatuated with her. She knew this. She let it happen. She egged it on sometimes because she liked the attention. Before Emily and Kelley started dating, there was even a point where Lindsey thought she might could be in love with Sonny. But now here they are, this seemingly perfect trio, cuddling together like it’s nothing, like they don’t have a tangled web of a history together. And Lindsey can’t understand why Kelley isn’t jealous. Not that she _should_ be jealous, not that she has _any_ reason to be jealous - because Lindsey’s not in love with Sonny - but because Russell would be freaking the fuck out if he knew Lindsey’s head was in Sonnett’s lap for hours and that they are about to go sleep in the same bed together. Yet Kelley knows all this. Kelley is encouraging it. And Kelley doesn’t seem to give a shit about it. Lindsey can’t even begin to wrap her head around what it would be like to be in a relationship that secure.

Emily walks behind the couch and Lindsey follows, still unsure of how this seems like a good idea to anyone. But honestly, she doesn’t want to be alone either. Emily stops behind Kelley and leans over her. Kelley tips her head up to meet Emily’s lips. Emily slides her hands down along Kelley’s chest briefly, unable to help herself, and Kelley catches Lindsey watching them out of the corner of her eye. “I love you, baby.”

”Love you, too. Night,” Kelley replies. “Hey Linds, I’m really glad you’re here.” She feels the need to say it again. As if maybe Lindsey didn’t believe her the first time. 

* * *

An hour later, with her house spotless again, save for Emily’s damn puzzle which she did not use the puzzle mat for when they started, Kelley decides she’s done enough work for today and it’s time for her to head to sleep too. She finds Emily with her arm and leg thrown over Lindsey, the same way she sleeps with Kelley, looking all cute and cuddly. And she finds Lindsey wide awake, hands resting behind her head, propped up on the pillow, staring at the ceiling. Her eyes go wide when she sees Kelley, terrified that Kelley’s going to be upset or jealous, that she’s going to kick Lindsey out of the bed or out of the house. But she’s neither upset nor jealous. Without a second thought, she lies down on the only open spot- next to Lindsey. “Ugh,” Kelley complains. “I have to wear clothes to bed because you’re here.”

”You don’t _have_ to,” Lindsey laughs quietly. “If you want to be naked” - and for a split second Kelley’s mind goes straight to the gutter - “you could have sent me to sleep in my own bed. You told me to stay out of your bedroom, and yet, you invited me in.”

”Didn’t want you to be alone,” Kelley grumbles, secretly happy that she got a chuckle out of Lindsey. “I know it’s hard. And it hurts. Maybe I’ll kick you out in a few days.”

Lindsey rolls over to face Kelley, shucking off Emily’s heavy limbs. “Why are you doing this for me?”

There are so many reasons swirling around Kelley’s head, and she doesn’t particularly feel like sharing them all. “Because Emily loves you, Linds. Because I love you too, whether you want to believe it or not. I love you because she loves you, and I love her. But I also just love you. For you. I always have, even when you hated me. Before everything went bad, and after. Because you put her back together when I broke her, and I’ll never be able to thank you enough for that. And because someone needs to convince you that you deserve better than that asshole, and clearly your therapist sucks.” 

Kelley leaves out the _because you’re fucking hot and maybe the three of us can have a little fun together_. 

And the _I cheated on Emily and still feel guilty about it so maybe she deserves a free pass_.

And the _because I think you’re gay and once you’re on board with that too, I’ve got someone I want to introduce you to_. 

And also the _maybe I can convince you to stay in Austin and we can work out some sort of trade with the Thorns_.

Because those thoughts are actually afterthoughts. Yet if Kelley said them, they’d seem like motives. And when she clicked open that app yesterday and bought Lindsey a plane ticket, she honest-to-God wasn’t thinking about any of those things. 

Lindsey starts crying again, silently, and Kelley pulls her in until Lindsey is hiding her face in Kelley’s neck and Kelley can feel her hot breath and her hot tears on her skin. It doesn’t do much in the way of stopping Lindsey from crying. “I just wanna call him. I’m gonna be alone forever,” she sobs.

”Babygirl, you’re not,” Kelley says, reassuringly stroking Lindsey’s hair. “But even if you were, being alone would be better than being with him. I can promise you that.” She feels Lindsey shake her head. “Why do you think you deserve to be treated like this, Linds?” Kelley’s never been one to beat around the bush. She doesn’t know how to ask the question in a more sensitive way. And she doesn’t care to lie there thinking about how to be more sensitive about it. 

”I don’t think I deserve it,” Lindsey protests weakly. 

”You’re actions say you do.” Kelley pulls back from Lindsey so she can see her face. She’s about to therapize Lindsey whether she wants to be therapized or not. And she wants to see Lindsey’s face when she says what she’s about to say. Because she wants to know if she’s right or not. 

”You’re gorgeous. Like stunningly beautiful, Horan. I couldn’t get over how good you looked when I saw you today.”

”That’s because I lost like ten pounds over the last two weeks, from not eating. Since I found out. While I was trying to figure out what to do.” Lindsey’s eyes are downcast. Kelley tips her chin back up.

”You’re not beautiful because you lost weight Linds. You’re _beautiful_. You always have been. And you don’t see it. You went to PSG when you were what? Barely 18? You were a baby still. And what was the first message you got there?”

Lindsey doesn’t say anything. Kelley hopes Lindsey is ready to hear a rant.

”That you weren’t pretty enough. As if that mattered. But it did. To them. And it became ingrained in you that beauty mattered, when it doesn’t, and even if it did, you were beautiful then. Just because you didn’t fit some French definition of beauty, just because you weren’t waife-thin, it didn’t mean you weren’t beautiful. You’re big-boned. You’ve got muscle on top of muscle. I’ve seen you in the locker room. I’ve seen your abs. I’ve been hit by your rock hard thighs. You’ve always been fit. But some asshole coach convinced you that the way you looked wasn’t good enough. And I’m telling you right now, that man brainwashed you. Do you know how I know that?”

Still nothing from Lindsey. Just sad acknowledgement in her eyes. 

”Because when you finally gave an interview about it, and you basically talked about being emotionally abused, you said you loved him. You _loved_ that coach. The one who made you feel less-than. That’s your definition of love because that’s what you learned. You think what that man put you through was love. And then you came back, still vulnerable, and found the exact same type of man here. Because you think the way he treats you is love. And so when he criticizes your appearance, you think he loves you. When he controls you, just like your coach did, you think it’s love. And when he cheats on you, you think it’s because you’re not good enough, not pretty enough, to keep his interest. You think you deserve to be cheated on. And then you beg for him to come back. When he’s the one who cheated. Do you have any idea how fucked up that is?” 

Ok, so maybe Kelley’s being a little too honest with her, a little too upfront. But Kelley’s always been a little rough around the edges. Lindsey needs to hear it. And judging by the look on Lindsey’s face, Kelley’s not even a little bit off-base.

“Linds, you deserve love. And happiness. And someone who’s going to show you everyday that you’re beautiful just the way you are. That no matter how your physical appearance changes, you’re still worthy of love because you are a good person with a heart of gold. Your self-worth has absolutely nothing to do with your looks.”

”I don’t know how I’m supposed to start over, how I’m supposed to find that at this point in my life,” Lindsey finally responds.

”Well,” Kelley says, drawing out the word. “Start by giving up on men. They’re worthless.” Kelley doesn’t even bother to sound like she’s joking. Because she’s not. She doesn’t know if Lindsey’s bought into a word she’s said tonight, but she wants to give it time to sink in. 

And Lindsey laughs, this nervous, half-hearted laugh, because at this point, she just might consider it. 

Kelley turns over - done pressing Lindsey for tonight - and snuggles into the crook of Lindsey’s body. This wouldn’t have been weird years ago when they were all playing together. No reason for it to be weird now. “I’m cold. And you’ve trapped my lover on the other side of the bed. So make yourself useful. Earn your keep or something.” She grabs Lindsey’s arm and throws it across her own waist, settling in to sleep. “Goodnight, kid.” Kelley feels Lindsey snuggle into her as well, their bodies pressed together, Lindsey’s warm breath on the back of her neck. And she swears, if she’s still enough, she can feel Lindsey’s heart pounding. Why though, is really the question.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hang on. Smut incoming. But we have to have a background story first. They’re not just going to hop into bed together. No matter how much some of you (us) would like that.


	3. Never Love You Enough

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kelley has an idea. And Emily doesn’t say no. But they’ve yet to let Lindsey in on this plan of theirs, even though it heavily involves her...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pre-smut smut

_  
I could kiss you in the rain forever  
Turn all of your pain to pleasure  
Fill up all your days with sunlight  
Make the passion last every night  
Give you my every possession  
Make you my only obsession  
Climb up to the sky  
And pull down all the stars above  
But I could never love you enough_

“So, um, I’ve been thinking about something,” Kelley mumbles as Emily nuzzles her neck and kisses that one spot behind her ear. It’s enough to almost make Kelley lose her nerve and _not_ have this conversation, as she finds herself getting lost in the sensation of Emily’s lips sending a chill down her spine and Emily’s hand squeezing her hip. 

”About how we haven’t gotten to do this since Linds got here?” Emily asks, running a hand, light as a feather, up Kelley’s soft inner thigh and over her underwear. Kelley squirms, chasing Emily’s hand for more pressure. 

“Mmm,” she whines. “No.”

”About showering with me after this?” Emily says hopefully as she begins to slide Kelley’s underwear off. 

Kelley lets out a long, controlled breath. “Nope, but that’s sounds like a really good idea. Although I don’t know who will bring you a fresh-out-of-the-dryer warm towel then.” 

Emily loves that Kelley takes care of her. Not just in the big ways, but in the little ways. The ways that Kelley is soft for her when she’s not soft for any other person on the planet, it seems. Except for Alex’s kids. 

The warm towel after a bath. Not because it’s necessary, but because it feels so good.

The texts out of nowhere that brighten her day when she’s on the other side of the country and sad about it. Or about losing. Or about not being on the National Team. Like Kelley just _knows_ from almost two thousand miles away. 

Pulling her chair out at restaurants and opening her car door. No matter how many times Emily protests that _she_ should be the one doing that. 

Buying her favorite snacks and making sure her favorite shows are on the DVR when Emily visits, even though Kelley won’t touch the food Emily binges on, and hates the shows she watches. But she watches them with Emily anyway. And she’s never complained. 

The massages, and not the sensual ones. The ones that dig deep into her fascia, smoothing out the bumps and knots. The ones that hit every tiny muscle between delicate foot bones, where Emily’s been hurting for almost two years now. The ones that get the swelling out of her ankle. And the ice baths too, that allow Emily to spend time straight away with Kelley instead of getting treatment after games.

The sweet surprises Kelley packs in Emily’s suitcase when she leaves. Emily doesn’t find them until she unpacks. Which is sometimes a week later, because unpacking seems like such an unnecessary chore until she actually needs something out of her bag. And it’s Kelley’s fault really, that she never has to pack and therefore, unpack, important things like toiletries, because Kelley keeps Emily’s brand of everything at her place. 

”A cold towel is a sacrifice I’m just going to have to make,” Emily says as she sits up and takes off her own shirt, since Kelley hasn’t even thought about that yet, apparently. She seems distracted, teetering on the brink between being there with Emily fully present, in sync to her touch, and worried about something that Emily can’t figure out.

“It’s not that important, really.” Kelley continues. “I just think we should talk about it. I mean, I guess it’s not something that we _should_ talk about, but like, I _want_ to talk about it?” Still straddling Kelley, Emily covers her partners hands with her own, and begins running them over her abs, slowly working up towards her breasts. But Kelley keeps rambling. “I’m afraid it’s going to piss you off though. Or freak you out. Or God, I don’t know how you’re going to react but I just...”

Lindsey’s taking a nap. Emily’s plan was to spend this time _not_ talking. But she stops, long enough to ask a question, because she’s polite, and also because she’s afraid that if she doesn’t, this nonsensical speak will go on forever. “Is this about sex?” She lies back down, propping herself up on her elbow momentarily, her lips hovering ever so close to Kelley’s neck. 

Kelleys mouth drops. “How did you know?”

Emily squints at Kelley. She didn’t know. Not really. It was a joke. Kinda. “You only get like this when it’s about sex,” she explains, cocking her head to the side.

”Like _what_?” Kelley demands to know, because Kelley doesn’t _get_ like anything.

”All stuttery and rambly. I mean, it’s cute, because you’re super smooth in bed, but like, talking about it makes you so nervous sometimes.”

”It does not!” Kelley argues.

Emily just raises her eyebrows knowingly. She pushes herself up so she’s sitting on Kelley’s thighs again, really able to get a good look at what Kelley’s face is saying since her words seem to be failing her. “I thought our sex life was good.” There’s just a hint of dejection in her voice.

”It is. So good. It’s so fucking good, Em.”

”Well then, what is this about? Is this about an- ”

”Ew no. Don’t ever say that word. Don’t even think it. We will always be on the same page about that. Ohmygod gross.” Kelley’s slight panic is funny to Emily, but it brings her relief, too.

Emily goes back to kissing Kelley, now completely unconcerned about whatever it is that she’s trying to talk about, since it’s not _that_. She lightly trails kisses along Kelley’s collarbone and starts to move further south. “That drawer is pretty stocked with fun things. What do you want to add?” she asks absentmindedly before she takes Kelley’s nipple into her mouth. 

“Not _what_.” Kelley pauses, waiting for it to register with Emily. But judging by the way Emily is flicking Kelley’s nipple with her tongue, it doesn’t. Not until Kelley adds, “Who.” And Emily chokes with Kelley’s nipple still in her mouth.

She shoots back up and Kelley starts rubbing Emily’s thighs, trying to do what, she’s not sure. Make it less awkward? Comfort her? Reassure her? She wants to pull Emily back down on top of her because she knows she’s bright red now, but Emily’s waist is _just_ outside of her reach. 

“Oh. Ooooohhhh. Who. Who?” Emily wants to know, her eyes widening and her eyebrows raising. This is unexpected. Emily feels like in a million years, she wouldn’t have guessed that this was what Kelley wanted to talk about. 

Kelley reaches over to grab the pillow they’re not using and covers her face with it. 

”Who, Kell?”

”Horan,” Kelley mumbles nearly unintelligibly into the pillow.

Emily peels the pillow off Kelley’s face.

”I thought you said Horan,” Emily chuckles.

Kelley tries to take the pillow back, but Emily won’t let her. “Can we just drop it?” Her face is a mixture of worry and embarrassment now. 

”No, I’m intrigued.” Emily studies Kelley’s face for a minute. “Wait. You did say Horan, didn’t you?”

Kelley groans, trying to roll away from Emily, but she’s pinned. 

“What the fuck, Kelley? She’s straight. And she’s our friend. And really, what the fuck?” She can’t really think of anything else to say besides “what the fuck,” which she considers saying a third time. Emily’s not mad. Not at all. Not jealous. Not anything really, besides confused. And maybe a little intrigued. A little excited. And maybe a little turned on, if she’s being honest.

Kelley sighs, regretting everything. There’s way too much to unpack here, and she doesn’t know if she wants to try. But she is the one who brought it up. 

“Well, first of all, I guarantee she’s at least a little _not_ straight,” Kelley corrects.

”That’s called bisexual, babe,” Emily says, amused. “And she’s my best friend, so I think I would know if...”

”Whatever. She’s a little gay. And I just thought maybe if we could, um, I don’t know, introduce her, if you will, to what it’s like, in a safe, um, setting, maybe she’d have the courage to try dating women? Because fuck Russell. We can find her someone better. A female someone. Like, I just don’t see her with another guy after how he’s treated her, so...”

”So... this is about... helping her? Like you planned on helping me get over her forever ago?” Emily asks. “Also, you’re rambling again.”

”Ugh. Anyway... Yeah, kinda, that’s what it’s about. I mean, look how well that worked out for you. For us. It was helpful, wasn’t it?”

”Mmhhmm. Your best idea ever,” Emily agrees.

”So this is just another one of my good ideas.”

”And it has nothing to do with you thinking that Lindsey is hot?” Emily asks, one eyebrow raised. Because Lindsey _is_ sexy as fuck, and Emily doesn’t think that even Kelley O’Hara can deny that.

”What? No. I don’t think that!” Kelley almost yells, trying to sound as incredulous as she can. “ _You_ think that.” _There ya go, turn it around. Good job Kell,_ she thinks to herself 

Emily chuckles, not biting. “You think she’s hot. Say it.”

”Fuck. Fine,” Kelley mutters. “Yeah, she’s hot.”

”She really is,” Emily jumps in before Kelley can even finish her sentence. And then she adds. “But you’re hotter. By far. Of course.”

”Of course,” Kelley smirks.

Emily collapses onto Kelley’s chest in a fit of laughter. When she can finally speak again, she adds, “Why are we even talking about this? It’s not gonna happen.”

”What makes you so sure of that?”

”Because. What are we gonna do? Be like, ‘Hey, Linds, how do you feel about threesomes? No, not in theory. Like with us.’”

”I think we could come up with something better than that,” Kelley says with confidence.

”So you want to plan this?”

”Well no.”

”You don’t want to plan it. You don’t want to talk to her about it. I don’t get it.” Emily is genuinely confused about what Kelley has worked out in her mind in terms of making this a reality. 

”All I’m saying is, if... if it were to happen organically, how would you feel about it?”

”About sleeping with my best friend?”

”And your partner. Together,” Kelley clarifies. Just in case.

”Together...” Emily trails off. “So it’s not cheating.” Kelley can’t help but wince a little at the word. “Because I don’t want you to feel like that’s what this is, since I kinda used to have a thing for her. It wouldn’t be though, right? Because both of us would be, um, involved.” It’s now Emily’s turn to be a little nervous. And even more turned on. At the idea, in theory; she still isn’t convinced it could actually happen. “You want this to happen too, right?” And then without waiting for an answer, “Of course you do, this was your idea.”

Sure this is something Kelley wants. Because Lindsey _is_ undeniably gorgeous. Those shoulders and that back, every muscle sculpted and tanned. With those thighs of hers. Maybe Kelley could picture herself letting her fingers walk down Lindsey’s abs, over the cuts she’s worked so hard to define, and then wander lower... if she let herself think that. But she’s trying not to let herself. 

On the other hand, it’s a new thing for them to try together. People do this all the time, bring a third person into their bedroom. It’s totally ok. It spices things up.

Kelley’s tried to help Lindsey in other ways, tried telling her that she thinks she’s closeted - too many times to count; it just hasn’t registered with Lindsey yet, in Kelley’s opinion. This is _bound_ to register.

And she does want to help Lindsey move on. Into the arms of women, because she’s convinced that a woman would never treat Lindsey they way Russell has. Not the woman she’s thinking about at least. That woman is as loyal as Emily. And fiercely protective. Even if she is younger. But Lindsey is hardened and worn, beleaguered and bedraggled from spending half of her life with a man who never appreciated her and broke her so he could control her. She could use someone with bright eyes and a fresh take on the world, to guide her in relearning what life is supposed to be like. Even if it’s a rebound. 

And she wants Emily to have Lindsey. To feel her and to taste her. To make Lindsey come. And for Lindsey to do the same for Emily in return, perhaps. 

Because Kelley feels that after what she did to Emily, Emily deserves that. 

At the minimum. 

It’s only fair. 

Maybe it could be healing. 

Not that they haven’t healed, because they have. It’s just that Kelley hasn’t ever forgiven herself for what she did, and she doesn’t know how to. No therapist has ever helped her do whatever work is necessary for that. Maybe the forgiveness she wants isn’t even attainable. But, she feels like she might be able to forgive herself, or at least accept things as even- finally - if Emily could just have the woman she was in love with a decade ago. 

Kelley’s certainly not remorseful enough to let this happen without her, and she knows Emily would never do it without her - because Emily is good and pure and loyal, she’s so fucking loyal - but Kelley truly believes that this might be her long-lost path to self-forgiveness, her way to finally put an end to the self-flaggelation she’s committed for the past four years.

An end to the self-hatred. 

An end to the excessive and unhealthy miles she puts in on the pavement under the guise of training for marathons that she has no interest in actually running. 

An end to the scabs she picks at and the cold showers she takes when Emily’s not around, because they’re so cold they hurt. 

An end to the self-imposed isolation - she hasn’t seen Alex or Allie in almost nine months because she’s repeatedly makes excuses about why she can’t fly to go see them and their kids. 

Their life together is good, hers and Emily’s. And they’re happy. But they could have been happier, Kelley reasons. They were _supposed_ to be happier. And sure, they’re going to be living in the same city, in the same home, from now on, and Emily has sworn on the Bible she still believes in that she will retire before she spends another season away from Kelley, but Kelley has never been able to get past the _what if._

What if she hadn’t cheated?

What if they had stayed together and found a way through everything? 

What if they healed four years ago instead of just over the past year? 

Where would they be now?

She’s never told Emily how much she hates herself still - and she never will - because Emily will swear over and over that Kelley has no reason to feel this way. But she’s quite convinced that this will help put her on the path to forgiving herself. And she’s quite convinced that it might be the _only_ thing capable of doing that. 

But Emily still isn’t sure. “I dunno, Kell. I’ve never... Have you?”

”No.”

”Seems like a lot could go wrong,” Emily muses.

”Yeah. You’re probably right. Stupid idea,” Kelley replies, trying to sound like it’s not a big deal. Because it isn’t.

”I didn’t say no,” Emily jumps in quickly. “It’s just... how do you keep feelings out of this?”

”Whose?”

”Everyone’s. Like why are you so ok with this? For so long, you kept telling me I was in love with Lindsey and now you’re ok with me having sex with her. How do you know I won’t fall in love with her and leave you?”

”Are you going to?” Kelley asks sincerely. She is more than aware that it’s an actual possibility. Probability is maybe a better word. To Kelley, that exact scenario - Emily and Lindsey falling in love - seems very, _very_ probable. And Kelley figures that if that is what happens out of this, then that is exactly what she deserves. 

”No! Of course not! There’s not a woman on this planet that I would leave you for.” Emily’s never sounded more sincere, more confident, Kelley thinks. 

”Not even Horan?” she asks. Just to be sure 

”Not even Horan, baby,” Emily whispers reassuringly. 

”So are you worried that Lindsey could develop feelings? For you. Not me, of course,” Kelley rushes to add.

”I dunno. Probably not, I guess. It’s just sex. I wouldn’t want it to ruin our friendship though. I don’t think it would. I think she just wouldn’t go along with this if she felt it would ruin our friendship. I still _don’t_ think she’ll go along with this.”

”It’s just a fantasy,” Kelley says quietly, “it can stay a fantasy. Nothing wrong with talking about our fantasies and never acting on them.”

”True. But you are aware that I didn’t say no, right?” Emily asks. “Maybe I want this, too.” She takes Kelley’s hand and slides it down past the waistband of her sweats. She’s wet. She’s really fucking wet. “Maybe I didn’t know I wanted this, but...” Emily all but collapses on Kelley as Kelley starts stroking her.

”You want this, too, huh?” Kelley asks, her voice low and raspy as she flips Emily. “Tell me what you want to happen. Fantasize with me, baby.”

”Kell, I... Oh fuck.” Kelley’s fingers slide inside Emily and she can hardly think anymore. But Kelley is whispering in her ear, encouraging Emily to verbalize what she envisions their experience to be like. And Emily’s all but forgotten how idiotic this plan seemed to her at one point. It takes a bit more prompting from Kelley for her to say it aloud, but Kelley’s right, after all - they can’t very well do this if they’re not comfortable even talking about it, if there’s any shame or doubt lingering. If there’s any fear that jealously might creep into their bedroom.

”I want to... go down on her.... I want to be... between her.... her legs... eating her out... while you... fuck me.... from behind... I wanna... watch... you... fuck her too.” Emily struggles to get the words out, to make complete sentences, because the combination of Kelley’s fingers inside of her, palm pressed hard into her clit so Emily can get the friction she needs, and Kelley’s mouth on her breasts, and the thought of Lindsey, naked between them, has her more worked up than she’s been in a very long time. “Fuck, Kell. I...” The words are lost in her throat as she moans, unable to control her volume, unable to control her body, arching up into Kelley as she squirts. She’s consumed with the reverberations of waves of smaller and smaller orgasms for far longer than normal afterwards. 

”That was you thinking about Lindsey,” Kelley says in her ear. Her voice is gravel-y, and raw, even though she wasn’t the one with her head flung back, mouth open and dry, crying out in pleasure. And the way she says it, without any hint of jealousy, as if she’s turned on too, puts Emily at ease. Well as at ease as she can be feeling a bit of shame because she got off with Kelley to the thought of fucking her best friend. And with a little bit of embarrassment because she’s quite positive she was loud enough to rouse Lindsey from her probably restless slumber in the next room.

But Emily pushes her shame and embarrassment to the side, because what she really needs right now is to taste Kelley. She clutches at Kelley’s hips and pulls her higher up her own body while simultaneously scooting down, until Kelley is centered over her mouth, hands braced on the headboard. She’s almost dripping wet. One slow, soft swipe of the tongue tells Emily all she needs to know. They each want this as much as the other. Emily wraps her arms around Kelley’s thighs, pulling her down so she can run her tongue in Kelley’s folds, and slide it inside Kelley’s opening. When her tongue eventually makes its way to Kelley’s clit, Kelley falls forward into the headboard, unable to support her weight through the work Emily’s tongue is doing. The bend in Kelley’s back gives Emily access to her breasts, and she reaches up, filling her palms with them, tweaking her nipples into tiny peaks and rolling them between her fingers. It’s a sight, seeing Kelley like this, hair falling forward, breasts hanging above her, and Emily’s raises her eyes just enough to drink all of Kelley in, without moving her tongue from where it is. The freckles on her cheeks and nose, the flush in her neck, the tightness of the muscles in her chest, those pale thighs clamping around Emily’s head as she licks harder and faster in response to Kelley sinking lower and lower against her mouth. And then with a loud, “Fuck, Em,” Kelley’s juices are spilling into Emily’s mouth and down the sides of her face, dripping off of her chin. Emily swallows every drop she can, savoring everything about the woman she loves, as Kelley rides out her orgasm against the bridge of Emily’s nose, gripping Emily’s hands for stability now. 

Eventually, she slides back down on Emily’s body, leaving a trail of shimmery stickiness between Emily’s breasts, trailing down her abs, until they are perfectly lined up again. Emily holds Kelley tight against her chest, and Kelley tucks her face into the crook of Emily’s neck, relishing in the warmth and closeness. After a few minutes though, she breaks the silence. “How come you didn’t ask me about developing feelings for Horan? Are you really not worried that’s a possibility?”

Emily runs her fingers through Kelley’s hair. “No, babe. I’m not.”

”But how can you be so sure?” Kelley asks, slightly offended, as the words almost get lost against Emily’s skin. 

“I know how much you love me,” Emily says simply, into Kelley’s hair.

”How?”

”I know you love me every bit as much as I love you. So I _know_.”

”And how much is that?” Kelley wants to know.

”So much that it fills every inch of my entire body. So much that if it were to spill over, it would fill an entire ocean, there’s so much love for you trapped inside of me. And I know that I don’t always do a good job of showing you, because I don’t always know how. But it’s there. All of it. I have so much love for you, Kelley O’Hara.”

”You do a great job of showing me, baby. I know how much you love me. I just wanted to hear you say it,” Kelley smiles as she adjusts to press a kiss into Emily’s lips. “I love you too. That much.”


	4. Next to Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sonnett’s in the deep end, but at least Lindsey’s in the baby pool now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter has been written since, well, since the last one, basically, but I wanted it to be better. Turns out I’m too tired and too busy to go back and make it better, and I just keep falling asleep on my couch at night, so... it’s just getting posted like this.

_If the world starts comin’ at me  
And my armor rattles loose  
If my compass starts to spinnin’  
Tell me, can I count on you?_

  
Lindsey can see the peaks of Kelley’s nipples through her thin, slouchy tee. She’s not wearing a bra. It’s so obvious. Because it’s January and it’s cold. Because Emily can’t keep her hands off of Kelley, and Lindsey really can’t blame her for that. Besides, Kelley should be able to be comfortable in her own home. And Lindsey knows she shouldn’t be looking... but she can’t stop looking. And thinking. She wishes she could stop both. Because it’s just... doing things to her. And making her feel things that she hasn’t felt in, well, in a _really, really_ long time.

Emily and Kelley have been inordinately touchy over the last few days. Lindsey knows it’s not just her imagination. All their touchiness is making her think... thoughts. Some are simple, straightforward thoughts. Like she knew she shouldn’t have come to Austin, and Emily and Kelley’s behavior is further proof if that. They’ve only been back together for a year, and almost half of that time they were in separate cities. They needed this time, alone together, and Lindsey’s interrupted it. Not just interrupted it, but she’s blown it up, she thinks, because she’s still sleeping in their bed with them. They’re probably too nice to kick her out...

And yet... Lindsey has offered - multiple times - to sleep in their guest room. And every time, she’s been met with a “no,” or a “why?” or a “if you really want to, but you don’t have to,” from Emily, but also from Kelley, which is... weird? Maybe Lindsey’s offers have been half-hearted. Maybe they can hear it in her voice. Maybe she should work on it. It’s just that...

Maybe... maybe she likes sleeping in the bed with them. Maybe she finds it comforting. Maybe she feels safe when they’re next to her. Maybe she’s not ready to admit that being cuddled, either in between them or by either one of them alone, leaves her feeling loved for the first time in as long as she can remember. Even if she knows that’s stupid. They love her like friends, nothing more. Yet the fondness Lindsey feels from Emily and Kelley is something she never felt from Russell. And she craves it. The easy way Emily throws an arm and a leg over her when she yawns and stretches before getting comfy in the soft mattress. The easy way that Kelley snuggles into her, or lets Lindsey use her arm as a pillow. There’s no other way to describe what Lindsey feels other than a deep achy longing for physical contact, so she guesses she’ll just stay in their bed until they tell her otherwise. She can’t take more loneliness right now anyway. She decides Kelley and Emily must have picked up on that. They’re too good to her. Lindsey can’t stop telling herself that she doesn’t deserve any of this.

But the way Emily and Kelley are also brings up complicated issues, issues that she’d rather not deal with, thank you very much. Like the issue of how their handsy behavior is making Lindsey feel - this throbbing deep inside, in her chest, in her ears, in her head, between her legs. It’s like something is driving them to be all over each other. On the couch as Kelley straddles Emily’s lap when she gets home from work, using her elevated position to push Emily deeper into the cushion while they kiss, Emily’s hands sliding down Kelley’s back until they’re cupping her ass. In the kitchen, when Kelley comes up behind Emily to judge her poaching skills, and Emily dances a little, ass pressed against Kelley, before shooing her away; Emily Sonnett can poach a damn egg, no problem. Something prevents Lindsey from looking away each time. And the staring has become so frequent that Kelley has caught Lindsey, more than once. She’s blushed; Kelley has smirked. It’s like Kelley can read her. It’s like Kelley _knows_.

Knows that Lindsey hasn’t had sex with Russell in seven months. Not that it was ever good, but still, it’s left her touch-starved. 

Knows that Lindsey hasn’t had an orgasm in years. Literally. Years. Because Russell doesn’t give a shit about her, as long as he does.

Knows that it’s getting harder and harder for Lindsey to sleep in the bed with them without her mind drifting to this white hot focus of a body against hers, a hand on her hip, fingertips on her forearm, a foot brushing her calf.

Knows that there was this one time with a girl on her team at PSG. And sure, Lindsey was young, but it felt like it should have been life-changing in a way that she could never forget. She never told anyone. Never repeated the tryst, because she couldn’t reconcile what she felt with what her head told her her life was supposed to look like.

And Lindsey knows that Kelley can’t actually _know_ any of this, but Kelley’s eyes say otherwise. It makes Lindsey oddly comfortable, the thought of Kelley actually _knowing_ her deepest struggles and desires, while still making her uncomfortable because she feels wholly exposed. She feels like Kelley can see her raw parts and old wounds both. Lindsey isn’t good with vulnerability. It’s not like she’s had a lot of practice with opening up to someone who has provided a safe space for her. Every time she’s been vulnerable with Russell, she’s received judgement straight away from the man she married. And the shame she felt for staying in that relationship for so long made her hesitant to open up to anyone about her darkest thoughts and lowest points. Sometimes, Lindsey thinks that Kelley knows her, deep down, even better than Emily does. She can’t decide if that bothers her or not, if she’s maybe grateful that Emily doesn’t see her truth. Sometimes, it’s easier to hide it from those you’re closest to, while baring your soul to someone who, over time, has become closer to a stranger.

* * *

  
Lindsey didn’t mean to walk in on them. She had been on the phone with Russell for so long and it was so late, she had just assumed that they would be asleep, and she’d walk in and find a spot to squeeze into. Instead, she walks in to find Emily and Kelley naked, sitting in the middle of the bed. Emily’s leaning back on one hand, her other holding Kelley lightly. Kelley’s in Emily’s lap, legs wrapped around her. Her hands are tangled in Emily’s hair, and she manages to pull her lips away from Emily’s at the sound of the bedroom door opening. Emily lets out a small whimper at the loss of Kelley’s lips against her own. Her eyes are still closed. She didn’t even hear the door creak. But in a moment, Kelley’s closed the gap between their bodies, pulling Emily closer, and they’re sitting straighter now, both turned to look at her. Lindsey shouldn’t have assumed and now.... well neither one makes another move, neither one freaks out. It’s confusing. And it’s also hot.

Lindsey feels like they should be freaking out right about now. She’s freaking out. Her face is burning, eyes wide, mouth agape, pulse racing. She wants to die from embarrassment. She should have looked down. Immediately. Her eyes should have gone downcast or she should have turned around, and now it feels too late to do either because Kelley has locked her eyes onto Lindsey’s. And Kelley’s eyes are holding Lindsey’s there, so intensely that Lindsey misses the smug expression forming on Kelley’s face. Lindsey finally breaks eye contact, to look at Emily, and when she does, when she takes in all of Emily’s face, she sees her lips turn up in the slightest smile, as if she’s completely unbothered. And technically Lindsey can’t see anything, other than their side profiles. Their naked side profiles. Shoulders, the shadow of a breast, ribs, legs, a hint of the curve leading down to Kelley’s butt. She’s seen way more in a locker room. She reminds herself of that so she can settle.

Lindsey finally finds her voice, though to her, what comes out sounds nothing like her voice. It’s small and it cracks, it’s hoarse for no reason. Finding her voice doesn’t mean she can actually find the words she needs, but she tries. “I- I- I- didn’t mean... I’m sorry... I should- I should have...” She’s finally able to pull her eyes away, and she looks at the carpet. She’s never noticed it until now. It’s beige, but their are tiny flecks of gray in it that give it an overall darker appearance than it would otherwise have. She toes at it nervously. And then she realizes that her hand is still on the door knob. She never removed it as she went to close the door behind her, hand frozen there at the sight of two gorgeous naked women wrapped in an embrace. She turns to leave. She should have done that the second she realized what she walked into. She’s even more humiliated that it took her this long to figure out to _leave_. 

But Emily’s voice blends into the silence. It’s quiet so it melds with the moment, instead of cutting through. “You don’t have to go.”

Lindsey spins around. “No, you two need... You have a guest bedroom for a reason. I didn’t mean to interrupt anything. I didn’t know...” she trails off.

And then Kelley is the one filling the void. “You’re not interrupting.” 

As if that’s possible, that Lindsey, walking in on them, isn’t interrupting.

“Stay,” Kelley adds. And her voice is soft and warm, inviting almost. “If you want. We don’t have to stop. You can watch, if you want.” Kelley’s voice has lowered and it’s just a bit raspy now, and it hits Lindsey’s ears and captivates her. She sees Emily give the slightest of nods.

And it makes Lindsey think that she’s crazy. That her mind has gotten ahead of her and she’s imagining things. Until Kelley moves a hand off of Emily’s neck and reaches it out towards Lindsey. Lindsey’s eyes fall to that hand, held out like a lifeline it seems, to bring her in. To bring her back to the land of the living, perhaps, where people are in love and make love, where people know how to show their feelings, know how to respect each other. Lindsey’s not able to fully process what she’s hearing, what she’s seeing, but she takes one tentative step forward towards them, farther into the room, slowly decreasing the chances of her backing out.

”Good,” Kelley murmurs. “Stay.”

Lindsey’s halfway to them when she realizes how insane this is. Her best friend. Her best friend’s partner. In the middle of fucking. Are telling her she can stay. And watch. And that’s how it hits her mind, all fragmented so she has to put the pieces together.

Emily sees her hesitate. “There’s a chair,” she nods over Kelley’s shoulder to the corner of the room. “If you don’t want to come to bed.”

Lindsey watches Emily’s fingertips trail down Kelley’s spine, and Lindsey shivers involuntarily at the thought of Emily tracing her spine. Emily stops at Kelley’s tailbone and slides her hands up and down Kelley’s thighs.

Lindsey looks to the chair and back to them, and she makes a choice that she can’t take back. Afterwards, it’s a choice that she feels she wouldn’t want to take back even if she could.

Lindsey sinks into the chair in the corner of the room, and from this new angle, she can see Emily’s back, flexed and sinewy. Kelley loosens her grip around Emily’s shoulders and Emily falls back, just enough so that one hand can disappear between Kelley’s legs. Lindsey sees the change in Kelley’s face, her eyes momentarily closing as she pulls Emily back into her. Normally, Kelley wouldn’t take her eyes off of Emily in this position, but now, Kelley’s eyes are on Lindsey again, watching Lindsey as Emily fucks her, until she can’t watch anymore. 

Kelley’s mouth falls to the top of Emily’s shoulder, biting down to stifle the sounds escaping her lips. Because as much as she wanted this, she finds herself unable to fully relax and let go in Lindsey’s presence. Even though Lindsey clearly wants to be there, chose to be there. And even though Lindsey wouldn’t judge her. She slows her breathing as Emily holds her, and Kelley opens her eyes to meet Lindsey’s again. Lindsey, who’s almost so still it looks like she’s not breathing. Her eyes are bright and clear and they trace Emily’s naked body before locking on Kelley again.

Kelley has fully committed to this part of the process, and no matter how nervous it’s actually making her in reality, she’s not going to stop now. She moves to kneel behind Emily, as Emily shifts, sitting on her heels as she leans back into Kelley, fully exposed for Lindsey to see. 

Lindsey watches as Kelley kisses the side of Emily’s neck, and she tries not to stare at Emily’s breasts, tries not to let her eyes drop even lower. One hand holds Emily by the hip; the other brushes the front of Emily’s neck, that thin skin flushed pink, as her head falls backwards onto Kelley’s shoulder. Lindsey feels the heat rise in her body as she watches Kelley’s hands drift to Emily’s breasts, expertly moving between them, squeezing with fingers splayed before closing around Emily’s nipples. As Kelley’s hand moves lower, Emily rolls her body in anticipation, and Lindsey feels a throbbing between her legs that is so intense she struggles to focus. Emily’s legs fall open to give Kelley all the access she wants. She watches Kelley’s index and middle fingers press into Emily’s center, she hears Emily moan, and Lindsey _knows_ that her own underwear are wet.

Kelley’s eyes are locked on Lindsey now, and despite the fact that Emily has reached back around to touch Kelley, too, Kelley’s focus is across the room. It’s almost as if Kelley is daring Lindsey to look away. If Lindsey let herself think about this moment, she’d stop herself. Instead, she lets her mind go, lets go of all sense of control, and lets her body take whatever path it chooses. Lindsey throws a leg over the arm of the chair, sinking back into it. She lets her own hand dip below the waistband of her low-slung sweats. She’s slippery wet. She wonders if she’s as wet as Emily is. And she _knows_ Emily is wet. Lindsey can hear the sloppy sounds through the silence as Kelley’s fingers work through Emily’s folds.

And then the silence is filled by Emily’s breathing becoming more ragged, and maybe Lindsey’s breathing is becoming more ragged too, as they both move closer to orgasm. And Kelley works faster and more focused as she watches, watches Lindsey’s mouth opening in a completely silent cry, eyelids sinking shut. “Oh fuck, baby! Yes! Yes!” Emily cries out, and it pushes Lindsey over the edge, to hear Sonnett’s voice raw and an octave higher. 

When Lindsey opens her eyes again, and removes her hand, fingers slick, she finds Kelley still locked on her. And now Emily, who has completely fallen onto Kelley as she reaches to rub the back of Kelley’s neck, is watching her, too. Their faces are both calm, with a hint of satisfaction, and Lindsey can’t help but wonder if it’s, at least in part, because they know she’s gotten off too. 

Lindsey knows she should be embarrassed, but for some reason, in their presence, she’s not, the comfort of their friendship from years ago returning. She’s just thankful to have finally achieved that release that she had been chasing for years, after so much sex that was so bad she couldn’t even bring herself to masturbate anymore.

“Come here,” Emily implores, eyes soft, and as Lindsey rises hesitantly from the chair, Kelley slips out from under Emily, so the three of them can lie down next to each other. 

They’re both lying on their sides now, facing in towards Emily. Emily, who is naked. And as this sinks into Lindsey, that her body, albeit fully clothed, is lying next to Emily’s naked body, she feels almost a panic rise in her chest. It’s too much. Too close. She can see the tiny beads of sweat on Emily’s forehead, and suddenly, it’s hard for her to breathe. 

And then Kelley, Kelley who seems to know everything, or at least who pretends to have supreme confidence at all times, is reaching across Emily’s midsection to find Lindsey’s hand. Kelley grabs it, squeezes it, and pulls it across so that they are holding hands on top of Emily’s bare stomach. And it should make Lindsey that much more nervous, to be touching Emily’s naked body now, but Kelley’s calmness and confidence are transferred to Lindsey through her hand and her eyes.

Kelley holds Lindsey’s hand until Lindsey’s breathing slows back to a normal rate, and then she flattens Lindsey’s palm, pressing it into Emily’s abs. Lindsey feels Sonny’s sharp intake of air and she swears Sonny’s stomach is hotter now under her hand. Kelley keeps her hand on top of Lindsey’s until she is certain Lindsey won’t lift it away, and then she moves down between Emily’s legs, slowly kissing her way up one calf as she runs her hand up the other. As her lips and fingers move higher, onto Emily’s inner thighs, Emily squirms and opens her legs, pushing one into Lindsey. 

Lindsey’s breath catches in her throat, a small noise involuntarily escaping, and Kelley looks up at her, then down to Emily’s inner thigh, as if she’s beckoning Lindsey’s hand to move there. When Lindsey obliges, she sees Kelley’s eyes crinkle, and she knows that Kelley is smiling even though her lips are hidden against Emily now. Emily’s fingertips come to rest on top of Lindsey’s hand, and Lindsey tears her eyes away from where Kelley is to look up at Emily. Emily’s head drops to the side to meet her gaze for a moment, before she squeezes her eyes shut at the feel of Kelley’s tongue on her clit. 

Lindsey’s lying there. Next to them. While Kelley fucks Emily. Her hand is on Emily’s naked body. While Kelley fucks Emily. She can feel every movement, as Emily’s muscles tighten, as she brings her legs higher and wider so Kelley has a different angle, and as she trembles when she comes. 

Lindsey feels like she’s breathing as hard as Emily, whose chest is heaving, is now. And she feels the wetness pooling between her own legs, as Emily takes Lindsey’s hand and slides it up over her breast. Lindsey’s hand is trembling, and Emily stills it, pressing Lindsey’s fingers farther into the soft tissue of her breast. Lindsey wants more than anything to feel Emily’s nipple between the sensitive tips of her fingers, but it’s too much. Too much right now.

Instead, she watches Sonny cover her other breast with her own hand, her eyes still closed. 

She watches Sonny squirm as Kelley kisses her way back up, over her abs, between her breasts, so close that Lindsey can feel the warm puff of air Kelley expels near her hand. 

She watches Sonny run her tongue over Kelley’s lips, tasting herself, before she moves her hands away from her breasts to pull Kelley in for a deeper kiss. 

And she watches Kelley lay her head on Sonny’s chest, leg thrown across Sonny’s body and bumping Lindsey, as she absentmindedly plays out a pattern with her fingers on Sonny’s skin. That patten eventually makes its way onto Lindsey’s forearm as well. Kelley’s fingers barely touching Lindsey’s skin give Lindsey goosebumps.   
  
Lindsey has no idea how long they lie there like that. She’s not drifting in and out of sleep, but it feels like she’s drifting in and out of a dream, one that she didn’t know she wanted to be a part of, and one that she prefers to her own reality. But what this means for her future, and for her as a person, starts to overwhelm her. She tries to focus on what she can see and smell and feel and hear so that she can stay at least somewhat grounded.

The rise and fall of Emily’s chest.

The occasional touch of Kelley’s fingers.

The heat radiating off Emily’s body.

The pressure of their legs against hers.

The flush gradually fading from Emily’s cheeks.

The peaceful humming noise Kelley makes as Emily scratches her back.

The smell of sex, still lingering.

”Go, jump in the shower, babe.” Kelley’s voice cuts into the silence, disrupting Lindsey’s thoughts. “I’m gonna throw the sheets in the washer and then I’ll join you.” She props herself up on her elbow to look at Lindsey. “You can join too, if you want. No pressure.”

Lindsey takes a beat to think about it...

And then she shakes her head. 

Shes still worked up, still on edge and in need of release, but she isn’t quite ready to get it from either of them. Not yet. “I think I’ll take a bath, if that’s ok,” she says timidly, and Kelley nods before rolling out of bed with a groan.

* * *

Lindsey stares at the large clawfoot tub before her, warm water pouring from the spout. She thinks about waiting until it fills to sink into the warm cocoon of water so that it can envelop her and protect her from her own thoughts. Instead, she climbs in and sits down, staring at the stream of water splashing off the bottom of the tub. She thinks about what Kelley and Emily are doing in their shower next door, and before she knows it, she’s hooked both legs over the edge of the tub, sliding down towards the water, until she’s angled herself perfectly beneath it. The warm pressure on her clit is exactly what she needs, it’s so much better than her own fingers. Her abs are flexed and rippling as she works her hip into the steady stream of water. Her head is thrown back, revealing the hollow where her neck meets her sternum. She tries so hard to be quiet, but between the weight of the falling water and the weightless feeling Lindsey gets as the tub begins to fill, Lindsey is coming again within minutes. And it’s hard to be quiet through that, a much more intense orgasm this time. Maybe Emily and Kelley won’t hear her over the sound of the water. Maybe it’s ok if they do.

* * *

By the time Lindsey returns to their bedroom, with a newfound confidence to wear only a t-shirt and panties instead of her usual sweats, Sonny is already sound asleep, and Kelley is wrapped up in her arms. They’ve left a spot for Lindsey next to Kelley, who is still wide awake. 

”Don’t you ever sleep?” Lindsey asks, sliding in next to Kelley, relishing the silky feeling of the clean sheets on her bare legs. Kelley was up at 4:30 this morning. Like she is every morning, regardless of how late she goes to bed. Lindsey knows this because she checks the clock when Kelley accidentally rouses her from her light slumber. And now it’s after midnight, and Lindsey assumes Kelley will be up again in a few hours.

”Sleep’s overrated,” Kelley mumbles, but internally, she has this gnawing feeling coming from her gut, telling her that she doesn’t need to wake up and run tomorrow. And it’s in direct conflict with her brain, which is telling her she has to. 

Lindsey’s quiet for a minute. She wants to know what Kelley’s thinking, and it seems like, just for a split second, Kelley is on the verge of saying something, eyes squinted and lips barely parted, but the looks is fleeting. Lindsey wants to say something, too. She has a million questions swirling around in her head, but she doesn’t know how to ask any of them. Instead with a sigh, she eventually admits, “I was on the phone with Russell, before I came to bed. I thought you guys were asleep.”

”Mmmm.” Kelley sounds like she already knew that.

”He wants me to come home. He wants us to try again. He says he wants to go to counseling this time. That he wants to be a better man for me.”

”Mmmm?” It’s starting to irk Lindsey, this lack of response she’s getting from Kelley. It feels like it’s very much on purpose, because Kelley doesn’t look tired. 

”I don’t know what to do,” Lindsey finally says, searching for Kelley’s sage advice.

”What do you want?” Kelley asks.

And Lindsey thinks it’s the stupidest question she’s ever heard because she just told Kelley that she doesn’t know what to do. She says as much to Kelley, but in nicer words.

”I didn’t ask what you wanted to _do_ ,” Kelley clarifies calmly, “I asked what you _want_.”

At first, Lindsey doesn’t get the difference between the two. But then she thinks about it. “I want to be happy. I’ve wasted so much of my life being miserable. I just want to know what it’s like to be happy.”

”Has he _ever_ made you happy?” Kelley asks sincerely. 

”Only in short bursts, like when he’s trying to win me back, but he never changes. He just goes back to treating me like he always has.”

”Well then, I think you have the answer to your question - about what to do.” Kelley tucks her arm under her head, and looks at Lindsey softly. “Em gave me some really good advice one time. She told me that life is too short to be miserable, to miss out on the things you want, the people who make you happy. She said there’s no point in harbouring anger towards someone you love because they could be gone tomorrow. And conversely, I don’t see the point in going back to someone who makes you miserable, because _you_ could be gone tomorrow.”

”So I should just resign myself to being single forever?”

”I’m telling you right now, you won’t be. I don’t know how to make you believe that. But you do need to stop worrying about that and start worrying about yourself. I don’t know how much longer you’re willing to stay here, but I sure would like to see you use this time to learn to love yourself.”

”And do you? Love yourself?” Lindsey asks sincerely.

Kelley’s jaw clenches and unclenches. “No. I don’t.”

”And yet... you let Emily love you.”

Kelley wishes Lindsey weren’t turning the tables on her right now. ”It’s hard,” Kelley admits reticently. “Every damn day I have to remind myself that she thinks I’m worth loving and that’s all that matters. Every damn day, I have to remind myself that even if I think she deserves better, she wants _me,_ and I have to be present for her, and be the best person I can be for her. I have to live up to the person she sees when she looks at me. And she loves me, so every damn day, I have to look into the mirror and remind myself that regardless of my mistakes, I’m a good person. One error doesn’t define me. Every damn day, I try to make sure I love myself just a little bit more. Some days, it doesn’t work. But most days, it does. So no, I wouldn’t say I love myself, but I love myself more than I did at this time last year.”

“I don’t know how to do that.” Lindsey’s voice and eyes are full of sadness.

Kelley wants to kiss it all away, and she’s pretty sure Lindsey would let her. But she doesn’t. ”Start by telling yourself that you deserve better than him. And mean it. Like, what do you like about yourself?”

”Um,” Lindsey hesitates, searching for something. “I’m good on the half-volley. And in the- ”

”Linds. Not soccer. Soccer doesn’t define you.”

Lindsey thinks that, in fact, soccer _is_ what defines her. But she wracks her brain to think of something else. “I’m good at taking care of people,” she decides.

Which Kelley thinks is really Lindsey just prioritizing everyone else and putting herself last, but Kelley will take it. 

”I don’t know if I’m strong enough to not go back to him,” Lindsey admits. 

“I can take your license and hide it if that’ll help, so you can’t fly,” Kelley jokes. But then her voice turns serious. “It’s gonna be hard. But when it gets hard, lean on us. Because we got you, babe. You don’t have to shoulder this all on your own.” Kelley reaches out and runs her fingers along Lindsey’s broad shoulders. “Even if you can carry the weight of the world on those shoulders.” Her voice is full of admiration and kindness, but also want. “You don’t have to. We’re right here. Right beside you. We’re not gonna let your load get too heavy to bear. We’re not gonna let you fall.” Kelley reaches over to brush a strand of fallen hair back behind Lindsey’s ear. “If you ever doubt how highly I think of you, and how much happiness I think you deserve, just remember I tried to get you to date my wife. Ex-wife. You know what I mean. Emily. She is the most important thing in the world to me. And I thought _you_ deserved her.”

That registers with Lindsey. She picked Lindsey, out of everyone else in the whole world. 

”You can’t have her now, it’s too late, so don’t get any ideas, Horan. But if I ever die, you better wife her up. Because there’s nobody else who’s good enough for her besides you.”


	5. Just When I Need You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lindsey’s pretty sure.  
> Kelley’s pretty insecure.  
> And Emily just wants both of them to get naked with her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It’s too long, because soccer, but it’s sandwiched by a little bits of smut. So at least there’s a reward for sticking with it? Or just scroll on past the soccer.

_I need to sleep  
My head is spinning  
It's like I'm back  
At the beginning  
When I was scared  
And unprepared  
For you and me  
  
Then you kiss me slow  
  
Oh... just when I need you  
Just when I need you most  
You seem to know  
Just when I need you  
Just when I need you most  
You always know  
  
_

The next morning, when Lindsey wakes, Kelley’s no longer in bed. But she can hear pots and pans clanging from the kitchen and can smell coffee. Emily’s pressed against her back. Naked. Lindsey knows this. She can feel it, feel the difference. There’s a sensation running through Lindsey’s body that tells her Emily is _too_ close, like it’s only the fabric of _one_ tee separating their bodies, and Lindsey is acutely aware of mere millimeters of fabric that are missing where Emily’s shirt should go. She can feel the heat radiating off Emily’s body under the covers, especially where their bare legs are touching. And especially where Emily is pressed against her ass.

Emily stirs, burrowing deeper into Lindsey, burying her face in Lindsey’s hair. Lindsey draws a sharp breath in as she feels Emily’s fingers creeping up under her shirt. Lindsey’s stomach tightens. Emily’s fingers stop on the underside of Lindsey’s breast, her thumb trailing and actually making its way up onto the side. She wonders for a second if, in her sleepiness, Emily thinks she’s running her hand up under _Kelley’s_ shirt. 

”Hey, Linds,” she says in that sleepy, hoarse Sonny voice that melts Lindsey. She hasn’t heard that voice in years, since Sonnett left Portland. “How are you?”

Of course she knows it’s Lindsey. Lindsey would feel nothing like Kelley. She’s bigger. Thicker. Their stomachs would feel nothing alike. Their breasts would feel nothing alike.

Lindsey can’t talk to Emily like this, not with Emily’s hand where it is. She rolls over and faces Emily, which is really not that much better, because they’re still too close, and now Emily’s pressing her leg into the space where Lindsey’s meet. And Emily’s reaching up to smooth Lindsey’s bed head. Lindsey doesn’t think she can find the words now either, and then Emily’s hand drops to her cheek, caressing it, and making coherent thoughts virtually impossible. Instead, Lindsey dares to let her arm fall around Emily’s waist, fingers brushing Emily’s back. It’s that moment that Kelley picks to walk in, making words unnecessary.

Kelley’s feels like someone's stabbed her in the gut as soon as she sees them, lying there together like that. _Knowing_ hurts.

Knowing Emily is naked under the covers. 

Knowing the Emily’s body is pressed up against Lindsey’s.

Knowing that Emily was being so soft towards Lindsey, in the way she always is towards Kelley in the morning, after Kelley runs and showers, when she crawls back into bed and steals a few minutes with Emily before she’s fully conscious. There’s nothing better in the whole world than sleepy Emily.

And knowing the connection the two of them used to have, so obviously _still_ have _._

”Hey, baby,” Emily says, reaching her arm back and motioning Kelley towards her, lifting the covers so Kelley can slide under as she nears. Kelley knows she shouldn’t. They need to get going. But right now, Kelley can’t pass up this opportunity to crawl back into her bed with her naked partner. Or the opportunity to interrupt what appears to be happening. 

Kelley slides her hand up Emily’s ass, resting it on her outer thigh. It’s the only thing she can think of to resist the urge to pull Emily closer towards her, to create the space that she really wishes existed between Emily’s body and Lindsey’s. Somehow, Kelley was ok with the lack of space last night, encouraged it even, but in the daylight, like this, it seems too intimate, like it’s not about sex anymore. She breathes in - deeply - the scent of Emily’s skin as she kisses Emily’s shoulder. And she reminds herself.

She wanted this. 

She still wants this

Emily wants this.

Lindsey is so unbelievably sexy.

Lindsey watching them made Kelley’s orgasms much more intense.

Lindsey masturbating as Kelley fucked Emily was hot as hell.

She’s not going to lose Emily. Not now. Not ever again. 

“Are you ok?” she asks, looking over Emily at Lindsey. Lindsey should be ok, she came back. She’s still there. But Kelley wants to check in with her.

“Yeah, I am,” Lindsey says, even though she sounds just a tiny bit unsure.

”So, is this like one of those we never talk about it again and pretend it never happened things? Or maybe we should not talk about it but we should definitely try it again? Or are you like really ok, ok, and this is more like we should acknowledge what happened, talk about it, and _absolutely_ do it again?” Emily wants to know. Impatient Emily makes both Kelley and Lindsey giggle nervously.

”Hmmm,” Lindsey thinks. “Not sure. Either option 2 or 3 though.”

Emily grins; Kelley can see the corners of her mouth turning up. 

”Ok, well in that case, I’m suddenly feeling very self-conscious about the fact that I’m the only one in this bed who’s naked, and I think we might should fix that.”

Kelley laughs, because self-conscious isn’t Emily. But she is a little stunned by Emily’s boldness though. It would be a turn-on, how smoothly Emily’s played this, this thing that wasn’t her idea. It’s prefect really, the three of them lying here, touching, Emily asking them to get naked, because she is.

Except they _really_ have to go. Which means Kelley’s about to have to be an adult. And suddenly, she is _not_ looking forward to it. 

”Babe,” she says regretfully, “we gotta go.”

”C’mon Kell. Five minutes. Pleeeassee?” Emily whines.

”Pleeaassee,” Lindsey mimics playfully.

 _Interesting_ , Kelley thinks. She would roll her eyes, at both of them... if she weren’t so turned on right now. “Babe,” she repeats gently. And then, because she can’t help it, she squeezes her hand in between Emily and Lindsey, in between Emily’s legs. “Shit, Em. You really want this, don’t you?” Kelley doesn’t know why she’s surprised by this. She shouldn’t be.

Emily’s hand shoots to Lindsey’s hip, digging in. 

”My two favorite people in the world? Naked? In bed with me?” Emily asks seriously. “Yeah, I do.” She squirms under Kelley’s touch. Lindsey squirms under Emily’s.

 _God, it would be so simple right now_. “Fuck my life,” Kelley mutters into Emily’s back in frustration. “We’ve gotta get to the stadium, but Em, I swear I’ll give you way more than 5 minutes of nakedness when we get home. I’ll be naked for as long as you want, ok? We’ll do _whatever_ you want,” Kelley promises.

Emily turns back to Lindsey. Ignoring Kelley, just for a minute, she ducks her head, letting her mouth cover Lindsey’s nipple through her thin tee. It’s already hard; it constricts more, tight and perfect. “What do you say, Linds?” Emily asks between pressing her lips around the small peak that has formed. 

”Whatever you want,” Lindsey says breathlessly, running her fingers into Emily’s hair, trying to keep her warm mouth right where it is, dreading the cold that’s bound to follow when they separate. And then to Kelley, who’s looking on with a little more comfort and a lot more interest now, “Are you sure we have to get out of bed now?”

Kelley smirks in satisfaction knowing Lindsey’s all in.

A few minutes later, Lindsey’s stumbling into the guest bathroom, the rosiness of her nipple showing through the wet spot Emily left on her shirt. It’s hard and sensitive, and she can still feel Emily’s teeth scraping against her flesh as if there was never any fabric there at all. She plants her palms flat on the counter and hangs her head for a few seconds, trying to process what she’s doing, just breathing, before she splashes some cold water on her face. It sends a shiver through her body. She wipes her face off on a towel, and when she finally looks at herself in the mirror, she sees sticky note right smack in the middle. Kelley’s perfectly beautiful cursive reads: _I’m enough. I’m worthy of love and respect. I love me just the way I am._ And then in small print on a second sticky note: _Repeat this every day. Out loud. While you’re looking into your own eyes. Practice until you can convince me of it. Then keep practicing until you can convince yourself of it._

Lindsey can’t help but smile. And then she catches her own eye in the mirror, and she _sees_ her smile - on her lips and in her eyes. Her _eyes_ are smiling again. It’s been so long. It dawns on her that she hasn’t been this happy in forever, hasn’t seen her own face like this in as long as she can remember, relaxed and free of tension, at peace. It’s weird to her, the fact that she can basically be single, which she’s always dreaded so much, and feel a huge sense of relief at the same time. She repeats the mantra aloud. Maybe there is power in starting to believe that she never has to let anyone treat her like Russell did ever again. Maybe there is power in getting to be her own person, not just Russell's wife. Professionally, the world has always known her as Lindsey Horan, but for half of her life, in her own image, she's been either Russell's girlfriend or Russell's wife. _Maybe it's time to be Lindsey Horan again_ , she thinks, _because that woman is still inside somewhere_.

“So why are we going to train at your stadium?” Lindsey asks Kelley from the backseat. She’s kind of dreading this attempt by Kelley to get her on a ball again; she knows that's what it is and she wishes that Kelley would have just kicked Emily and her out into the backyard with a ball, instead of dragging them to the stadium. She hasn’t touched one since before she left. 

“There’s a player I want to sign. She was waived by LA a little over a year ago after she got injured. She’s making a comeback. You know her. You played with her,” Kelley says casually, wanting to gauge Lindsey's opinion of the woman, but Lindsey doesn’t take the bait, preoccupied with her own thoughts as she stares out the window. 

Finally, as they can see the top of the stadium coming into view, Lindsey speaks again. “I just don’t get why you’re bringing the enemy into your place,” she questions, looking expectantly into the front seat.

“My staff is here to assess her, but having y’all to work her out is better for me. The more, the merrier. Besides, Emily’s not the enemy. Not really.”

 _Well of course she’s not_ , Lindsey thinks. And there’s a part of Lindsey that wants to hear she’s not the enemy either, that wants to hear she can stay in Austin forever so Kelley’s training secrets are safe. There’s a part of her that feels like her entire life needs a fresh start, even the good parts, and there’s nowhere safer to have that fresh start than in a city with the person she began her career with. And by default, Kelley, which is... ok actually.

Kelley continues. “You wanna tell her babe?”

“Can I?” Emily’s eyes light up with the excitement of a child about to gift her parents with a handmade macaroni necklace. She’s been dying to tell Lindsey since she found out the deal had gone through. Kelley nods. “I’m not going back to Atlanta in the spring, Linds. I sold my condo. I’m here. For good!” she blurts out.

“What?” Lindsey half laughs. “You _are_ Atlanta.” And then she sees Emily’s face as she turns in the front seat. “Wait, are you serious?” 

“I’m not a city,” Emily counters cheerfully, “I’m Kelley’s and she’s mine. Atlanta will always be my first home, but Kelley’s my forever home.”

“She’s serious. I had to give up a lot to get her,” Kelley says, squeezing Emily’s hand across the console. Kelley doesn’t mean player-wise; a couple of draft picks and some allocation money are worth it. But what she felt the need to give up in terms of control, and the risk she’s taking professionally, feel like a _hell_ of a lot.

”Holy shit! It’s Katie Meyer.” Lindsey loudly whispers as they make their way out onto the grass. She’s already warming up with Ash. “I thought she was done with soccer, like forever, after that,” Lindsey continues, still not good at whispering.

In the friendlies lead up to the 2027 World Cup, starting goalkeeper Katie Meyer had gone up to pick off a cross into the box. A Norwegian player hit her midair, and she landed wrong, resulting in both a cervical and skull fracture. She had to have surgery, wires reconnecting bone pieces, and was placed in a medically induced coma while her brain injury healed. And yet there she is, drop kicking a ball back and forth with Ash.

Kelley’s known Katie since Katie's Stanford days, because she's stayed involved with her beloved alma mater. Katie is exactly the type of player she wants to build this thing with. She loves the confidence that borders on cockiness. She loves the energy, the rage, the refuse-to-lose mentality. She loved how Katie played with absolutely no fear before the injury; she loves that Katie's trainer said she still trains like that, as if the word risk isn’t in her vocabulary, as if the possibility of a long-term injury doesn’t even cross her mind. Katie used to remind Kelley of herself; Kelley wants to see if she still does.

Kelley’s spent a lot of time talking to Katie, both on the phone and through email. She has with everyone she’s considered drafting, stealing, and signing. Because to Kelley, who a person is at their core is as important as who they are as a player. She wants good people to build this program with. Katie’s good people. She’s open and honest. She’s talked about her faith, about her journey towards self-discovery, about her insecurities, and about where her confidence comes from. She’s given thoughtful responses to Kelley’s all of questions. She’s been vulnerable. She’s been real.

And it’s how Kelley knows that Katie is single. She asked. Because she needed to know what leaving California would do to Katie. She needed to know if Katie was going to be leaving someone behind, someone who would distract her, give her a reason to be unfocused. She needed to know if Katie was going to have support here, moving halfway across the country from her family, out of California for the first time. She needed to know how closeted she was, because of the emotional baggage that comes with that, the weight that presses down on your shoulders making every run, every jump, every single movement just a little harder. When Kelley said she was going to get personal with anyone she was serious about bringing in, she meant it. And Katie met every one of her questions head on, the same way she used to meet opposing strikers on a 1-v-1 breakaway. Kelley wants her here.

After the session, Kelley meets with her staff - Ali and Abby, her two assistants, Ash, her goalkeeper coach, and Bailey, her high-performance coach. Kelley is proud of the people she’s assembled, the first all-female staff in the NWSL. She didn't think she'd be able to get three of them out of Florida, but when Kelley pitched the idea of a 100% female staff (and a gay one, at that, because you can't win a championship without the gays), and Kelley was given the reins to hire whomever she wanted, they were on board. They wanted to make history. They wanted to _be_ history.

There’s not a single person in the room who isn’t in awe of Katie’s comeback. They’re all in agreement about her fitness, about her skill level being back where it was before the injury, about the leadership she’ll provide for the backline. 

“As Glennon would say,” Abby puts out there, “she’s a warrior. She has _it_ in her soul."

Kelley knows. 

“Fuck yeah, bitches! Let’s sign a goalkeeper!” Ash shouts.

Kelley breathes a sigh of relief. “Ok. Ok. This team’s coming together. We’re really gonna do this!”

“I like that we’re picking up some experience. That trade to get Sonnett was big. But people are going to flip when we release this,” Ali says excitedly. “She’s a comeback story and I love it!” She has unknowingly provided Kelley with the perfect segue to bring up the _other_ thing that's been on her mind.

"Speaking of experience,” Kelley says carefully. “I want to talk about one of our allocations. I’ve been thinking... about a possibility we haven’t put on the table.” She hesitates. 

They all groan. Kelley's talked them to death about draft picks and allocations. 

Kelley ignores them and plows through. “What if we can get Lindsey?”

“Horan?” Bailey half laughs, half chokes out.

Kelley’s face contorts. “A couple of weeks ago, I would have laughed if any of you named her as a possibility, too.”

“We’re gonna force her out of Portland?” Ali asks. “I thought you were big on only getting players who _wanted_ to be here.”

“I know we all thought she’d retire in Portland. But now I’m not so sure that’s a huge priority to her anymore. So let’s talk about it as a possibility. Because you know she’s not getting protected. The Thorns have too many young National Teamers and she’s too close to retirement. She’s not on their radar.”

The room is silent for a minute before it starts buzzing. They all agree that Lindsey's got it still. She’s tough as nails, she’s still one of the best box-to-box midfielders in the game, her shot is still killer, her fitness hasn't dropped off with age, her locker room presence is second to none, she’ll bring in fans, she’ll create the kind of culture they want, that will make people want to play for their club. Even if she retires in the next few years, it’s starting to sound like there’s a general consensus that Lindsey’s worth it.

But Ali thinks Kelley needs a reality check. “Can I say something?” she asks hesitantly. “Kell, can you be objective when it comes to her?”

“Yeah. Why wouldn’t I be able to be?”

“Because... Lindsey and Emily have always had that... connection, that history. Things with you and Lindsey have been... rough. And now that you and Emily are back together, I just... I don’t know. It seems... messy?”

“We’re one big interconnected family here already,” Ash shrugs. “If the two of you know you can be professional, and adding Horan to the mix won’t change that, nothing else matters.” 

If only they knew…

Kelley tables it. She has a little bit of time still. A little bit of time to work on Lindsey. And to work on herself, because what her soccer brain and her sensitive heart are telling her right now couldn’t possibly be more contradictory.

“Children, can I take y’all to Shady Grove for lunch?” Kelley asks as she comes out of the office to find the three of them sprawled out in the hallway. They nod eagerly and Kelley chuckles at them - Emily, peaceful as can be in her new home, Katie, clearly relieved by her performance, Lindsey, relaxed and happy like Kelley remembers her being when national team camp took her away from Russell for extended periods of time.

“So,” Kelley starts after they’ve ordered. “I don’t know about you, Katie, but I don’t want this hanging over our heads during the whole meal. I know I haven’t really had a chance to talk to you about whether or not you see yourself in Austin, now that you’ve had a couple of days to explore, and feel free to take your time and think about it, but we want to sign you. You’re back, baby! You looked good out there today.”

It’s about as informal as a job offer can possibly be, at a sticky table in a poorly lit restaurant, with two giggling morons shooting wadded up bits of straw wrappers and napkins across the table at each other, while Kelley tries to prevent the pieces from falling in the queso Emily ordered despite her protests. But it’s exactly how Kelley works.

“This place has great energy. I think it’s as close to Cali as I can get.” Katie is beaming from ear to ear. “I’ve never been so thoroughly vetted in my entire life. You’re putting your soul into this. I want to be part of what you’re building.”

“Say hi to your goalkeeper, Em!” Kelley says with a subdued fist pump. Emily stops trying to defend herself for a moment, and gets hit square in the forehead by a shot from Lindsey.

“Wait. You?” Katie asks.

”Yep!” Emily grins. 

Katie turns to Lindsey. “And you?”

”No,” Lindsey shakes her head with a small laugh.

But it wasn’t a ‘hell no,’ Kelley notices. It wasn’t like Lindsey was horrified by the thought. 

Kelley spends most of lunch observing how the three of them interact as she quietly devours her Hippie sandwich full of vegetables that Emily makes fun of her for. Still. Katie and Sonny are almost too loud for public together. And when Emily’s attention is focused on Kelley, Kelley notices that Lindsey seems more reserved around Katie. Nervous maybe? Insecure? Annoyed? It’s hard to tell and Kelley wants a better read on it.

But that will have to wait. Now that Kelley’s work is done for the day, there’s space in her mind for all of the emotions from this morning come flooding back. Fear and insecurity intertwine with want and horniness, frustration, passion. 

She needs Emily.

She wants Lindsey.

She daydreams about seeing her partner between Lindsey's legs.

She can’t stand the thought of Emily touching anyone but her.

She is seriously considering asking the woman she’s terrified of to come play in Austin.

She wishes she could keep Lindsey as far away from Emily as possible.

She knows she needs to be professional.

She thinks that no matter how unprofessional it would be, she should her newest signee to take Lindsey out on a date. Eventually. Not now.

She wonders if polyamory really works. Not polygamy. Ain't no one getting married around here.

More than anything, she would give just about anything for her mind to be still.

She needs Emily - just once - without Lindsey. Under the table, she gives Emily’s thigh a quick squeeze, and she tilts her head for Emily to follow.

As soon as Kelley has Emily in the stall, she presses her up against the partition. Her mouth falls to Emily’s, hot and hungry, too heavy, sloppy almost. Her mind is still all over the place.

She pulls Emily’s face to her, locking her hands around Emily’s jaw, keeping her there like she’s afraid that if she lets go, Emily will disappear. 

Emily bites Kelley’s lip involuntarily as Kelley finally trusts the situation enough to let her hands explore Emily’s breasts under her sweatshirt. ”Baby,” Emily breathes, “slow down.”

Kelley doesn’t respond, just nudges Emily’s hair back with her nose so she can focus her mouth elsewhere. She nips along Emily’s jaw, tracing it back to her ear. She drops her hands again, to Emily’s hips this time, holding tightly, so unlike the usual pressure she uses, and she licks inside Emily’s ear. She feels Emily’s body give a little with that flick of her tongue. 

“Baby,” Emily moans as Kelley pulls the collar of her sweatshirt aside and sucks hard at the base of her neck. “What are we doing?”

“I want you,” Kelley mumbles, pulling away long enough to get the words out. And long enough to slide her hand against Emily’s center, over her clothes. 

“Kell, we have a bed. We have a whole _house_. We don’t have to do this anymore.” Emily kinda despises the adult she’s become. And right about now, she’s wondering why she ever used to try to stop this kind of thing from happening back when they were playing together.

“Need you now. Without Linds,” Kelley almost whines, her mouth moving back to Emily’s, tongue sliding inside. Her hand hasn’t stopped, and even though it’s a bit uncoordinated, it’s still distracting, working Emily up, making it hard for her to ask Kelley what’s going on inside her head.

Emily almost loses her nerve to ask Kelley where this is coming from. But she pulls away, banging her head against the partition because there’s nowhere else to go in the space Kelley has confined her to. She studies Kelley’s face, the worry lines on her forehead and around her mouth, her eyes almost watery. “Kell, what’s wrong, love?” she asks, her eyebrows knitting together in concern.

Kelley feels like she’s drowning in waves of conflicting emotions. “I just- I don’t want you to leave me for her,” Kelley whispers, trying not to cry, as she falls against Emily’s chest, her lips and her hand finally still.

Emily cups Kelley’s face in her hands gently, tipping it up towards her. “Baby, where is this coming from?” she asks, searching Kelley’s eyes for an answer. 

Kelley’s voice is barely audible above the music playing through the speaker in the ceiling. “I can’t lose you again.” Kelley thought that if what she deserved was for Emily to leave her for Lindsey, she’d be able to handle it. Turns out she was very, very wrong.

Emily meets Kelley’s forehead with her own, intertwining their fingers on one hand together, while she strokes Kelley’s cheek with the back of her other hand. Kelley’s holding on to Emily’s sweatshirt for dear life with her free hand. “My precious, beautiful, sweet sweet girl. I cannot believe I’m going to have this conversation with you in a bathroom stall.” Emily kisses Kelley’s forehead gently. “You’re never gonna lose me. Of all the things in life, _that_ I’m the most sure of. You’re _never_ going to lose me again. The only way this ends is if you leave me. And then, it would like, have to be in the middle of the night. You’d have to run off while I’m asleep or something. And even then, when I woke up to a cold bed in the morning, I’d go looking for you. I let you go once. I let you drive across the country and I didn’t put up a fight. I didn’t stop you. It’s the second biggest mistake of my life. But baby, I learn. Member when you tried to run again? I didn’t let you. So you’re not going anywhere. And I’m not going anywhere. We’re stuck like glue.”

Kelley breathes deeply, closing her eyes, letting Emily support her full body weight. “Gorilla Glue,” Kelley murmurs. 

“Cement,” Emily adds. “And I think maybe this thing with Lindsey was a bad idea. We don’t need to do this anymore. It’s too much,” Emily says sympathetically. She doesn’t sound upset or disappointed at all, Kelley notices.

“Em, I want to. I do. I liked watching you with her this morning. I really did. It turned me on. But… just, seeing you lying there with her when I walked in, it brought up some fears that I didn’t know I still had. I want to watch you fuck her. I just needed to be sure.” Emily looks at her, unblinking and unconvinced as Kelley wipes at her eyes. “I don’t want you to realize you’re in love with her, not me.”

It’s hard to want something but to also feel things that directly contradict what your body craves. It’s hard to let your heart go even when your body has already gone there. It’s hard to separate desire from doubt, fantasy from actual consequences. Just when Kelley thinks all of her insecurities are buried deep enough that they can’t scratch their way to the surface, they somehow find a way to rear their ugly heads again. She feels like she’s taking a leap of faith off a cliff, not a leap of faith into Emily’s arms. After the clothes have come off and hands and mouths are exploring and fluids are exchanged, is Emily really going to still see her as home? Or is she finally going to realize that Lindsey is the home she’s been missing for so long? She feels like she’s about to have a panic attack in the stall she dragged Emily in to. And then, just like that, Emily is grounding her, using an abbreviated version of a coping strategy they were taught years ago by a National Team psychologist.

“What do you see?” 

“I see your funny eyebrows all concerned about me,” Kelley responds, reaching up to touch them.

“What do you feel?” Emily asks, peeling Kelley’s hand from her face and placing Kelley’s palm flat against her chest.

“You breathing, steady, like you’re so sure that everything’s going to be ok.”

“What do you hear?”

“Willie Nelson.”

“What do you smell?”

Kelley leans forward to breathe deeply in Emily’s neck. “Your stupid Irish Spring soap. I wish you would use the organic one I got at the farmers’ market.” 

Emily grins. Because she knows that Kelley _does_ really wish that, but she also knows the smell of that soap is home to Kelley, and it’s why she keeps buying it for Emily. “What do you taste?” she asks, leaning in to kiss Kelley softly.

“Salt. Onions. Beef.”

“Shut up, you can’t taste meat,” Emily rolls her eyes.

Emily always grounds her. 

“I don’t want you ever having to question whether I’d rather be with you or her. Because the answer is you. Even when you thought it wasn’t you, when I made you think it wasn’t you,” Emily corrects, “it’s always been you, Kell.”

Kelley finally feels like she’s not dying. “I just want you right now. Only you. Please. And then tonight I want both of you.”

Emily hesitates and then pushes her into the opposite side of the stall, hand cradling the back of Kelley’s head as they crash into the wall.

“Em…”

“Shhh.”

“But I…”

Emily just shakes her head. “I want you, too,” she whispers, lips pressed against Kelley’s ear. “I want to fuck you up against this wall until you’ve soaked these leggings. I want to fuck you until you can’t stand on your own anymore.”

Emily says it because she knows what it does to Kelley. She learned that early on when she said ‘Miss Kelley’ in bed, and when she whispered in Kelley’s ear while Kelley fucked her against the wall of her apartment.

But she also knows what it does _for_ Kelley. For Kelley who over-communicates. For this woman, supremely confident in all aspects of her life, but who sometimes finds herself so vulnerable during sex that she is reminded of her perceived unworthiness and she needs reassurance. And when Emily’s hands and mouth and body aren’t enough, when the reassurance Kelley is longing for can only come in the form of words, Emily tries to do that for her, too. She does it even though she’s much more reserved when it comes to expressing her feelings, her wants, her needs.

She whispers dirty things in Kelley’s ear because, ridiculous or not, it makes Kelley really trust that Emily loves her, as if want and love are inseparable.

She lets herself go as Kelley sends her over the edge - even though she’d prefer to bite her own lip or bury her face in a pillow to maintain that quiet - so Kelley can _hear_ that Emily is hers, not just feel it. Even when it roused very unappreciative teammates only a few feet away in their hotel room - especially when it roused teammates. Emily learned early on what Kelley needed.

She lets Kelley start deep conversations about love and emotion when they’re naked because, at times, Kelley only seems ready to go there either right before or right after. It’s as if the added closeness of their bodies makes it safer to broach a difficult topic or ask a question she’s afraid to hear the answer to, like Emily can’t run from her when they’re undressed. Because she still thinks Emily will run. She’s always feared it, deep down. Since Day 1.

Emily doesn’t need words, she doesn’t need to hear Kelley to know that Kelley loves her, because she sees it, all the time, in everything Kelley does for her. And Emily could go through life processing her own thoughts and fears and insecurities in the corner of a coffee shop or on a hilly run with the wind blowing against her face. Alone. 

But Kelley can’t. She was already like this when she and Emily found each other, the roots of Kelley’s deep-seated insecurity taking hold in Georgia Red Clay, where her church intentionally, and her parents unintentionally told her that the way she is was unworthy of love for too many years. And as that root system spread, it never grew down, never deep enough to find a water source, as woman after woman broke Kelley’s heart until she believed she was incapable of love. But when Emily and Kelley found each other, they inosculated like two maple trees growing too close together, until over time, they _actually_ grew together. They were supposed to be permanently conjoined. And then a violent storm, with rattling winds, ripped them apart, shards of wood flying all around as they were separated. Emily knows she was the one who cemented in Kelley’s mind that love is fleeting, the one who confirmed everything Kelley had always feared, when she walked out of their home. She did it months before that night even, when shutting Kelley out made Kelley feel like Emily wouldn’t love her without a baby. Not good enough, just her. Never good enough.

While Kelley has dedicated all of her energy and focus on taking care of Emily, Emily has spent the better part of a year stepping outside of her comfort zone all over again and communicating on the level Kelley needs, when Kelley needs. And that includes in the bedroom. Or the bathroom. At a restaurant. Apparently.

“I’m gonna fuck you until you’re so far gone that you can’t help it and people hear us,” Emily continues. 

“But, babe, I wanted to hear _you_ ,” Kelley whines pressing her lips into Emily’s neck, gentler this time. 

“You can hear me tonight,” Emily promises as she slides her hand under Kelley’s leggings. And she promises herself that she’ll let go, completely, when Kelley has her, so Kelley _knows_. “You’re not wet enough yet,” she observes, running her fingers over Kelley’s underwear, pressing against her clit. “What are we going to do about that?”

“Inside,” Kelley begs, barely above a whisper.

Emily pushes Kelley’s underwear aside and teases her fingers around Kelley’s opening, spreading some of the slippery wetness up towards her clit. She starts with slow, gentle circles until Kelley’s pushing her hips off the wall and into Emily’s hand. Emily pushes Kelley back into the wall with the thigh she has pressed between Kelley’s legs. “Show me how patient you can be,” Emily instructs, holding eye contact.

“Fuck, Em. I can’t be, I can’t be patient,” Kelley croaks out as Emily’s circles become tighter. Harder. Faster. Until they’re not even circles any longer. And despite the angle, and the restricted space she has with Kelley still fully clothed, Emily’s able to make Kelley come before she even has a chance to shoot any sort of retort in Kelley’s direction.

Emily leaves the flat of her hand there, lets Kelley grind against it she sucks Kelley’s tongue into her mouth, silencing the small sounds that had been escaping. As they finally pull apart, Emily stares into Kelley’s eyes wanting Kelley to feel a fire in her soul, willing Kelley to know her heart. “You’re mine,” Emily says with an authority that’s so rare for her that Kelley can’t help herself. She catches Emily’s lower lip in her teeth, raises her leg and wraps it around Emily, relishing the feeling of Emily’s hand sliding up and down her thigh and over her ass. Kelley wraps her arms around Emily’s head and digs her fingers into Emily’s scalp. “I’m not done with you yet,” Emily insists.

“I know,” Kelley breathes. “I just wish… I just wish you were wearing the strap right now,” she admits.

 _Fuck_. That’s enough to motivate Emily to get back to work. She can’t give Kelley that, but she can do the next best thing. She takes Kelley lightly behind her knee and lowers her leg to the ground. And then she lowers Kelley’s leggings and underwear, pressing her bare ass against the wall. Her slightly germaphobe girlfriend would be flipping out right now if she weren’t already lost in the thought of what Emily’s fingers are about to do. Emily uses her thigh to nudge Kelley’s legs a bit wider. She stops and stares into Kelley’s eyes one more time before circling the thumb and index finger of each hand around Kelley’s wrists, raising Kelley’s arms above her head. Emily crosses Kelley’s wrists pinning them to the wall with her left hand and she lets her right fall to Kelley’s cheek, to her breasts, to her stomach, and then lower, running her fingers through Kelley’s folds until the tilt of Kelley’s hips off the wall wills them inside. They’ve been gone for so long that Emily knows she can’t tease Kelley. She curls her fingers, eliciting a guttural sound out of Kelley. She repeats the same motion, forcing herself to resist how much she wants to prolong this moment, over and over until Kelley’s crying out and biting Emily’s sweatshirt as she pulls Emily into her.

Emily loves the sag of Kelley’s body weight against her. 

Loves when Kelley’s so shattered that she can hardly stand. 

Loves when Kelley can hardly even catch her breath. 

Loves when her face is red, and beads of sweat are forming on her forehead.

It reminds Emily of how fucking hot Kelley looked when she was still playing. How she’d drop her hands to her knees trying to catch her breath and then stand up, face flushed, and wipe away the perspiration with the back of her hand. 

That was the Kelley as Emily first knew and fell in love with, way before she ever admitted it to anyone, before their fairytale life and all of their hopes and dreams dissolved with the last breath, the only breath, that their baby ever took. If fucking Kelley in a dingy stall would give Kelley a moment of reprieve from all of the worries of her life, if it could build up one more layer of protection around Kelley’s heart so she could believe in forever again, Emily would fuck her in every bathroom they came across. Emily knows how much Kelley is struggling. She sees it even though Kelley thinks she hides it well. Kelley has always been too vulnerable with Emily to hide anything from her. So all Emily knows to do is exactly what Kelley asks for, exactly what she shows Emily she needs. Emily didn’t listen once, and _that_ was the worst mistake of her life, so she listens to every word now, and truly hears what Kelley says. She trusts Kelley’s words, but she’s always afraid she’ll miss some almost imperceptible hint about what Kelley really needs.

Like now. She’s obviously missed something at some point, because Kelley still fears that Emily will leave her, and deep down, it has nothing to do with Lindsey. Not really.

Emily reaches down and pulls Kelley’s clothing back up, and she kisses the tip of Kelley’s nose as Kelley’s face relaxes into complete peace. “I don’t know when you’re going to propose to me,” Emily cracks a smile trying to lighten the mood, “but ring or not, I’m yours. Forever. I’m not going anywhere, baby. I promise.”


	6. What If We Fly

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Flashbacks
> 
> aka they all live with so much regret (well that's not Kelley's flashback, but the guilt she's living with is already perfectly clear) but they're all finally able to let it go.

_Answers_   
_They don't come easy_   
_I don't know what's wrong anymore_   
_But I know when it's right_   
_Only a dreamer_   
_The truest believer_   
_Can let the chains fall to the ground_   
_And take to the sky_

_What if we fly_   
_What if we fly_   
_And dive off the edge of the end of the world as we know it_   
_What if we fly_   
_Have faith enough to think fate might just know where we're going_   
_What if the arms of the wind carry us to the place_   
_We never could find_   
_Yes we might fall_   
_But what if we fly_

“Hey.” Lindsey pulls out a chair and sits down next to Kelley at the table. She pushes a glass of water towards Kelley, who was too tired when she came in to get her own. Kelley’s face is red and sweaty, and she looks exhausted after her run, more so than normal. Her head is resting in her hands and her elbows are propped up on the table. Lindsey plops her feet up in Kelley’s lap anyway, and Kelley grunts, sitting up. She looks at Kelley intently, trying to read her, trying to figure out what to say, but Kelley speaks before she gets a chance.

“How are you? About last night? And this morning?” she asks, resting her hand on Lindsey’s shin. “We shouldn’t have pressured you. We should have talked about it.” She sounds worried, Lindsey thinks, her voice more high-strung than usual. Lindsey can see the tension in the muscles of her neck, so prominent right now.

Lindsey’s an adult, and she’s capable of making her own choices. She stayed. She could have left, when she walked in; she could have left at any point. She stayed because she wanted to stay. She appreciates Kelley’s concern for her, but she doesn’t need to be treated with kid gloves. “Kell, I wanted it to happen. I didn’t _know_ I wanted it to happen, but it was…”

She was about to say hot, but Kelley interrupts. “But you’re…”

“Fragile?” Lindsey questions, not quite annoyed. She knows that Kelley's coming from a good place.

Kelley’s never thought of Lindsey as fragile. Certainly not when they played, but not even when she went through shit with Russell over, and over, and over either. She’s always been strong, always been able to handle everything that life throws her way. She’s one of the strongest people Kelley knows, but…

“You’re just going through a lot right now,” Kelley says carefully.

“Yeah, and you’re helping me deal with it. You take my mind off everything.” Distraction is about the best thing Lindsey can ask for her in life at this point. She knows she wouldn’t be where she is right now without them, without Kelley, really. Kelley who talks to her in the pitch black while Emily sleeps, and who holds her, more than Emily does. Who has coffee made every morning and makes sure she’s fed, and actually eating, not just pushing food around on her plate. Who brings her alcohol but doesn’t let her drink too much - not enough to be drunk, not enough to forget - even though Lindsey knows how hard it has to be for her to run into a liquor store. Who every morning tries to convince Lindsey to come on a run, and who finally got her on a soccer field again. It was nice, getting to see the people she’s missed, and getting to hit the shit out of a ball. There’s something therapeutic about the solid contact of a volley. And deep down, Lindsey knows she wouldn’t have been strong enough to actually stay away from Russell if Kelley hadn’t provided her with an escape.

But more than anything, this is helping Lindsey to figure out who she is, outside of Russell. She’s still not sure, but she’s starting to get an idea, starting to see herself as a whole person. She can be the person she wants; she can be any person, actually. She can be someone she loves. It’s her choice. Finally. For the very first time, her life doesn’t have to be dictated by someone else anymore. Maybe she’s bi. Maybe she’s gay. Maybe it doesn’t matter. Maybe she’ll find love again. Maybe love will find her. Maybe it will be with a woman. She never seriously considered it before, but it _could_ be with a woman. Right now, it doesn’t matter much. Right now, this thing that she’s on the precipice of with Emily and Kelley is all that matters, because it's here and it's now and it's easy and it's safe. Because she needs to _live_. She needs to experience new things. She needs to be with someone besides him. It feels like she’s been with him her whole life, and it was stifling. She can finally breathe. She's getting a second chance. When most people never get one, the universe is giving her a second chance to get her life right, even when she ignored all of the signs the first time around.

“Kelley,” Lindsey moves her legs and leans forward, tenderly touching Kelley’s knee. “I know you’re worried about this,” she says softly, looking into Kelley’s eyes.

Kelley slumps back in her chair, sinking lower. “She fucking told you,” Kelley sighs, looking into the den towards Emily. Lindsey follows Kelley’s eyes. Emily is still diligently working on her puzzle, tongue slightly protruding as she concentrates. 

“Of course she told me. She tells me everything. Always.” Kelley knows this. She stopped worrying about it a long time ago, but this time, it seems different. Sensing her discomfort, Lindsey adds, “She only told me because she worries about you. Kell, we don’t have to do this. You’re not going to disappoint me. Or her. I think I’ve learned enough about myself already that I could get on the right track, and she… she just wants you to be happy.”

“I’m not worried,” Kelley tries to convince Lindsey. And herself. Maybe halfheartedly. 

“Hey,” Lindsey repeats sympathetically, gently. She leans closer to Kelley, this time letting her fingers travel up the inside of Kelley’s leg, just a few inches. Kelley stares at Lindsey’s hand. It feels different on her skin than Emily’s, softer, but also less sure. “Kell, Son and I, we never…” Lindsey trails off. 

“I know, you told me. You’ve both told me.”

“If you don’t know by now how much that woman loves you, I don’t even know what to say to you anymore.” Kelley still won’t look at her, so Lindsey takes Kelley’s hands and pulls her back upright, then caresses her cheek until Kelley’s looking at her. 

It’s strange to Lindsey, to be the one trying to reassure Kelley, the one trying to build her up, because for so, so long, it was the other way around. When they played together, it was always the other way around. Kelley calming her when she was angry. Kelley reminding her how good she was. Kelley who was older and wiser and so sure of herself. Kelley seems so small now. Her presence was always larger than life, but now? Now she seems tiny sitting before Lindsey, the more fragile of the pair. The only other times Lindsey remembers seeing her like this was when she yelled at Kelley for not leaving Emily alone. She remembers how angry she was, so angry that everything looked white-hot. And Kelley just cowered in front of her. Lindsey finds it strange that those memories in particular, are so vivid in her mind, and for a moment, she regrets how she treated Kelley when she should have known how much Kelley was hurting, too. God, how Kelley must have been hurting. She couldn't see past Sonny's pain though. 

Lindsey thinks about apologizing for how she acted, all those years ago, but that's not what comes out. Seems like this moment is not to moment to dredge up old wounds. “It’s just sex. I um, you two make me feel things that I… well maybe that I haven’t wanted to feel, or face. I want to know what it’s like.”

“You’ve never been with a woman?” Kelley asks suspiciously. She catches the contradiction in Lindsey's statement.

Lindsey feels like a fraud and like she's completely exposed all at the same time. “Once." Lindsey admits "In France. I was 18. I was a kid, in a new country. I don’t remember it really. It was… overwhelming." But part of what she says to Kelley is a lie.

* * *

Lindsey remembers every second of it. 

Her teammate, only slightly older but so much more mature, standing too close in the lift to her apartment. The way her hand brushed Lindsey's back as Lindsey unlocked her door. Her inability to communicate, as she stumbled over her very broken French trying to offer a glass of wine. The way she could feel the woman's presence behind her in the kitchen, even before her breath was warm on Lindsey's bare shoulder, before she reached around and took the wine glass from Lindsey's hand, placing it back on the counter. Lindsey didn't need words to communicate anymore when she spun around and her eyes fell to the most beautiful lips she had ever seen; some things are universally understood. They ended up on the couch, kissing, then touching, then naked. It wasn't rushed and forceful like with a teenage boy. It was slow. Sensual. Tender. Lindsey remembers every place her teammate’s lips brushed, every thought that filled her mind in that moment. The taste. The sweat. The shakiness. The softness. She remembers never wanting it to end. 

She also remembers the shame afterwards, sitting alone in her apartment. No one to talk it over with. No way to process, in a foreign country surrounded by strangers. And it wasn't like she could just make a phone call home. She never told anyone about it, not until now, not until Kelley. She never even told Tobin. Or Emily. Or Russell. 

Russell. 

Every time she came home from Paris, Russell was there. Lindsey didn't feel shame when she was around him. Not at first, at least. At first, the pride he had in her made her glow. Until it didn't. Until all she was to him was a shooting star that he had latched onto. And by the time she realized it, it seemed too late.

* * *

Kelley thinks about gloating. And she will gloat - to Emily - later. But there’s pain on Lindsey’s face. Or maybe it’s regret. Clearly it’s not for the simple fact that she was with a woman, because last night happened and so did this morning, but it’s there nonetheless. It makes Kelley wonder if Lindsey is thinking about what her life could have been, when she had the chance to write her own story. Except she was 18, too young to know the long-term impacts of her choices then. Kelley wants to say something, but doesn’t know what. 

She doesn’t have to say anything because Lindsey scoots closer to Kelley, wrapping her fingers behind Kelley’s neck and pulling her closer. Whatever was there, whatever flashed on Lindsey's face is gone now and replaced by a longing that draws Kelley in. “Go take a shower,” she whispers against Kelley’s neck. Her lips brush Kelley’s salty skin. She feels Kelley shiver under her touch. She feels a little zing of excitement knowing she can do that to Kelley. Kelley fucking O'Hara.

Kelley stands up, and then turns around. “Wait. I need to ask you something, before we… complicate things anymore than they already are.” Lindsey stares at her, unblinking. “Would you… ever… consider leaving the Thorns? Playing here?” Her sentence starts slowly but she's rushing through her words by the end.

Lindsey sinks back into her chair with a sigh. The fact that Kelley’s asking surprises her, even though it _did_ cross Lindsey’s mind already. Portland is her second home, but something about it changed when Sonny left for Atlanta, and then again when Tobin retired. It’s been feeling less and less like home, though Lindsey has fought hard to not acknowledge that. People come and go, she always tells herself, of course there will be years where the team will feel different. But with Sonny not being called into national team camps anymore, the distance is just a little more pronounced, a little more unbearable. If she’s going to start over, maybe she should start over from scratch, build a whole new identity, in her own image. And as meticulous as Kelley is about everything, she’s building something that’s going to be amazing, Lindsey knows. That Kelley wants her to be part of it is all kinds of flattering. “It’s not a no,” she says earnestly, and she’s acutely aware of how shocked Kelley seems about her response.

“Should we not…” Kelley asks, clearly concerned now, the realization that she may need to keep her personal and professional lives separate sinking in. “I never thought you’d consider it, to be honest. We shouldn't have-"

“We’re adults." Lindsey interrupts. "We can keep things separate, right? And we’re not there yet. I really have to think about it. But that has nothing to do with this. With us.” 

_Us_.

And as if to emphasize how sure Lindsey is that they could have the best of both worlds, if that's what they were to decide, she pulls Kelley closer to her again, by the hips this time, until Kelley is straddling one of Lindsey's thighs, looking down at her expectantly. Lindsey's hands feel more certain this time, more solid, as her thumbs press into Kelley's hips. Kelley drops her hands to Lindsey's shoulders, fearing she might buckle under Lindsey's touch. "Shower," is all that Lindsey says. 

It bothers Kelley just a little that all Lindsey has to do is ask and Kelley's willing to do whatever she wants. It doesn't bother her enough to argue. As she turns, Lindsey smacks Kelley's ass hard enough to make her jump, and to draw a laugh from Sonny in the other room.

****

When Kelley steps out of the shower and into her bedroom, she sees Emily sitting on the edge of their bed. Kelley leans against the door frame, watching her, as she dries her hair. Emily has her head tilted back slightly and a mini Reese’s Cup, leftover from her Christmas stocking, balanced on her nose. Like a dog with a treat, she’s trying to catch it in her mouth, except it keeps falling on the floor and Emily keeps picking it up to try again. It’s one of the things Kelley loves about her, how unbothered Emily is by everything. She's so unbothered that she’s sitting there playing with a piece of candy. It makes Kelley wish that her years of therapy were as successful as Emily's. Then again, this was always Emily's personality, at its core. When Kelley thinks about what pure joy looks like, she thinks about Emily.

* * *

Emily wasn’t always like this, so carefree and happy. Kelley remembers when they first met, how high-strung Emily was, almost paralyzingly nervous. Emily worried about everything - saying the wrong thing, doing the wrong thing, messing up on and off the field. She was scared of Pinoe. She was terrified of Alex. She tried her best to escape Hope's wrath. She couldn't speak correctly around Becky. It was very much like a typical rookie; well, not Lindsey when she first came into camp, Lindsey was already a pro by then, and exceptionally polished. Too polished for Kelley’s taste, though she relaxed eventually. 

But with Emily, there was another layer to her anxiety that Kelley immediately clued in on because she saw it in herself. Emily was gay. Kelley was certain of this immediately, and it’s why she felt such an intense desire to take Emily under her wing. It wasn't attraction, not back then. It was a need to guide her, to protect her, to show her it was ok to be herself. Of course, taking Emily in meant taking the other four in over time, but it was fine; Kelley didn’t mind their antics that much. The fab five kept her young, made her feel alive, let her join in. And in turn, she made Emily feel safe. 

Eventually. 

It took time. God, it took so much time. For Emily to come out to her, to come out to everyone. Hell, it took forever for Emily to even come to terms with her sexuality herself. 

Kelley remembers deciphering all of Emily’s nervous habits – she’d pick at her nails, rub her neck, chew on the inside of her cheek, wring her hands. She’d do it on the training field in between reps. She’d do it in post-match huddles, which is why Kelley eventually encouraged her to start dancing in the center of the circle after games. Emily probably would have gone crazy on the bus rides too, if Lindsey hadn’t started holding her hand, and Kelley has to wonder how much of that anxiety Lindsey was able to pick up on too, and tried to heal through touch.

And there was the humor. The constant stream of jokes and dancing just to get a laugh, of tricks and pranks and all-around shenanigans. There were TikTok videos that never saw the light of day, Saran Wrap between the toilet seats and bowls so teammates sat in their own urine when they went to the bathroom in the middle of the night, salt in coffee, dad jokes galore, Nerf guns, water balloons, screams and scares and running around hotel hallways like fucking airplanes. Emily could cheer anyone up, and she did. All the time. She made every situation lighter, better somehow. But Kelley saw right through it. In the same way Kelley was so brash for so long, Emily was too funny. Both served the same purpose; people focusing on those qualities looked right past their sexual orientation. Even after they both came out, these aspects of their personalities were so ingrained that they couldn’t change. Kelley is still too much for most people to this day; Emily is still the center of attention at every gathering.

All along, all Kelley ever wanted was for Emily to be comfortable in her own skin, so she could love herself as much as she loved everyone else, so she could be as happy on the inside as she was on the outside. Kelley wanted so much to save Emily all those years of self-loathing, to save her from so much unnecessary pain. She wanted Emily to realize what it took her _years_ to realize – everyone’s love for her was unconditional. 

It all culminated in Kelley walking in on Emily having a panic attack one day before a game. She had been looking for her for over a half hour after Lindsey pointed out that she hadn’t seen Sonnett since breakfast. She found Emily in the makeshift equipment room of their hotel, hiding under a table, behind a huge cart of laundry. For a split second, Kelley thought it was another one of Emily’s pranks, but Emily didn’t jump out and try to scare her. Her head was buried between her knees and her shoulders were heaving heavily. Even after Kelley squeezed in and wrapped her arm over Emily’s shoulder, it still took a long time for Emily to calm down enough to be able to form words again. What Kelley got out of her, in choppy phrases between shaky sniffles and her quivering lip, was that everything was starting to pile on her and it was becoming too much. Emily swore it was all about the game. She hadn’t played much in 2018 – just some minutes off the bench against Denmark. Before that, her last cap came in 2016. It had been so long, and now Jill had called on her to start against England. In a must-win game. Kelley reminded her that in reality, SheBelieves was just a bunch of friendlies, that they had come in 4th place the year prior, and it was fine. None of it mattered to Sonnett. She was inconsolable. To her, this was her only chance to prove that she deserved to be called back up. This was her World Cup tryout, and if she failed it, there wouldn't be enough time to work her way back in. She asked Kelley to leave her alone. Kelley pulled her in tighter and told her that she knew this wasn’t about soccer, not for the most part anyway. 

To this day, a decade later, she still remembers Sonnett’s gray eyes looking up at her when she said that - the realization that Kelley _knew_ darkening them - and she silently pleaded with Kelley to stop talking. But Kelley was Kelley then as she is now. She always did what she wanted, said what she wanted, got what she wanted, consequences be damned. She was almost always right in her assessment of how to handle situations. Thankfully, Sonnett’s was no different.

“I know you’re gay, Em,” Kelley whispered with kindness in her eyes. “And you know I am,” she continued, not even waiting for Emily’s response, or for it to sink in. That was on purpose; she was kind of worried about what would happen if she let it sink in. Worried that Sonny would cry. Or worse, try to deny it. Neither seemed particularly productive in Kelley’s mind. “So why are you so afraid to say it? You shouldn’t be afraid to say it to me at least. We’re the same, you and I. I _get_ it.”

Emily cried anyway, deep shuddering, snotty sobs, and Kelley held her there in that cramped space while her legs lost feeling. 

“How did you know?” Emily had asked as the tears finally slowed. She had worked so hard to hide this part of herself and now she felt like a failure, which was a lot to handle, on top of being terrified.

“Oh baby girl, everyone knows,” Kelley said sympathetically. But it had the opposite effect and Emily started crying all over again. “The best part,” Kelley eventually convinced her, “is that everyone knows and they love you. It’s never made a difference to any one of us. A whole third of this team is gay, Sonny. You know that. You know that no one cares. You’re the only one who cares.”

Thus began Emily’s slow and relatively painless coming out - to her friends, to the rest of her team, and eventually to her parents. Kelley watched her claim her joy for herself this time. She watched Emily thrive. Kelley often wonders now if that’s when she really fell in love with Emily and just didn’t know it yet. That day, holding her, rubbing her head, telling her everything was going to be all right and actually meaning it. Kelley had been so used to flippantly using the word "promise" when she talked to people, to make them relax, to make them feel better, but that day, when she promised Sonnett that everything would be ok, she actually meant it. By the time Kelley really realized she was in love with Emily two years later, it didn’t feel new to her at all; it felt like she had always loved Emily. That day, under that table, was what she traced it back to. She stayed quiet for so long because of Lindsey, probably, more so than because of her own relationships. And because she didn't want to ruin their friendship. She loved Sonny on such a deep level that having her as a friend was more important than taking that risk. For so, so long. 

Kelley watched Emily lose all of that joy almost five years ago. She never thought Emily would get it back. How could she, after everything she had been through, after everything Kelley put her through? Then they reunited, and it seemed like they rekindled their love, but the truth is, real love, once blossomed, never disappears. Kelley understood the science behind it, the intensity of skipping the “getting-to-know-you” phase, the rush of oxytocin as all those warm, fuzzy memories came flooding back. It wasn’t like they had a good reason to end their marriage. Not really. One dark time, one mistake, didn’t equate to a lifetime of fighting that would have been reason enough to separate. Kelley knows how lucky she is that she's been able to watch Emily recapture all that joy a second time. It's been as beautiful as the first time was.

* * *

Kelley can’t stifle her laughter any longer as Emily tries – and fails – hilariously extending her tongue in a last-ditch effort to succeed at her ridiculous challenge. Emily looks up at her with a huge grin, finally realizing that Kelley’s been watching her. “Almost got it,” she says, and completely undeterred, she tries again. This time, she does succeed, and Kelley gets a wave of finger guns pointing at her. She gives Emily her best cheesy smile and a thumbs up. Emily lights up their room. She lights up their life. She would light up a child's life, this Kelley knows.

"Come here," Emily beckons guiding Kelley in between her legs. She slides her hands under Kelley's robe, to her ass, pulling her close. 

Kelley cups Emily's face, marveling at her beauty. In quiet moments like these, Kelley still wonders how she got the girl. Twice.

"I love you," Emily says with a sincerity that makes her voice crack. "I love you so much, so hard, that I don't even know how to explain it." And Kelley knows that Lindsey talked to Emily while she was showering. 

"Where's Lindsey?" she asks, ignoring Emily's words.

"I told her we needed a minute," Emily stares up at her, waiting to see where Kelley's at, what she needs in this moment. 

"Why?" Kelley wants to know.

"Because I need you to know that I love you."

* * *

There are a lot of things that Emily regrets in her life. 

There's the obvious. 

There's the not-so-obvious, like never having the guts to tell Kelley how she felt long before they ever started hooking up, forcing Kelley to be the one who took that first leap of faith. It set the tone for their relationship, Kelley always assuming that their dynamic was unbalanced, that she was more in love with Emily than Emily was with her. 

And then there's the unfixable - the one thing that Emily can't forgive herself for - the one time she listened to her head, and everyone else, instead of her heart. Therapy allowed her to forgive herself for the way she responded to their tragedy; her reaction was understandable, given the circumstances. Therapy taught her that the way she handled her emotions in the months after wasn't healthy, for either of them, so she learned a better way. And therapy allowed her to forgive Kelley for her part in it all. But therapy, and her family, and Lindsey also told Emily that going back to a relationship that failed so catastrophically would never work. When she had moved past everything that happened and realized she was still in love with Kelley, every important person in her life told her to run the other way. She was too weak to argue at the time, too downtrodden to stand up for what she knew so deeply. So Emily blames herself for Kelley's insecurities, which is both something she shouldn't do and something she can't control. Their pain didn't have to drag on as long as it did. Emily didn't have to hurt another woman in the process. The moment she knew, nine months after the Olympics, was the moment she should have found Kelley and just _told_ her.

She almost did.

It was the first trip of the season to Sandy, the year after Kelley left. She thought she'd see Kelley. It made sense that the season prior Kelley hadn't been at their games - she was working with the Royals youth program. But by the second season, Kelley was an assistant coach for the full squad. It had never occurred to Emily that Kelley wouldn't be at the game. On the bench. Right there. She'd be playing on Kelley's side for a half. And after the game...

With the words of every person she considered responsible, and Lindsey, ringing in her ears, Emily stepped off the team bus and walked into the stadium, having resolved to follow her heart. She just needed a minute to get the words out, all she had to do was tell Kelley she was sorry, and that she forgave her, and that she still loved her. Three things she had to remember to say: 

I'm sorry. 

I forgive you. 

I love you. 

Then the ball would be in Kelley's court.

Kelley didn't come out for pregame warm-ups. She wasn't on the bench when the game started. She wasn't there when it ended. Emily had the worst game of her career. She was distraught by the end, and the game had nothing to do with it, though it was a great cover. She approached Laura after the team talk. Her mouth felt dry, her hands were sweaty, her ears were ringing. She stood there, in front of Laura, trying so hard to get a word out, a sound out, but nothing came. Laura took her by the elbow, gently, and guided her off to the side, away from everyone. 

"Kelley?" Emily finally choked out in a whisper. She watched Laura's shoulders sag.

"Sonnett, she's not here," Laura said with all the kindness she could muster, which was saying a lot considering how much adoration she had for Kelley. Laura squinted at Emily, weighing her options, trying to decide if it's her place to say anything else. She started to talk, and then stopped herself with a grimace. She looked down at her phone and fumbled with it for a second. "I texted you her contact info. She doesn't live far. Maybe..." and then Laura grabbed Emily by the back of the head and pulled her into a hug so she could cry out of the public eye. She didn't say another word. Emily didn't either. 

That night, long after her roommate had gone to sleep, Emily sat up on the floor of her hotel room, leaning back against the bed. She was still there when the sun came up the next morning. She spent all night contemplating what to do. In the end, she took the easy way out. She never dialed the number in her phone, never hired an Uber, just got on the plane with her teammates that afternoon and went back to Atlanta. She hated herself for it, for being so close, and being so weak. And then she hated Kelley for it, for skipping out on the game when she should have been there. She wanted Kelley to read her mind, to know that she was going to be brave. All Kelley had to do what show up...

A month later, Emily met a woman at the garden center. The woman was buying bell peppers, okra, and eggplant seedlings for her garden. Emily was there to get flowers already in bloom for her condo - she was looking at the hyacinths when the woman passed her, and then came back to talk to Emily about the glass vases in her cart that she was going to use to add some life and color to her living space. She was sweet. She had a kind smile and attentive eyes. They got coffee.

Everyone seemed so happy for Emily when she told them she was dating someone. Everyone told her she deserved happiness and that they knew she would find love again. Emily even lied to herself and became convinced that this was God's plan; if He wanted her to reconcile with Kelley, Kelley would have been down on the field that night. 

The whole time, Emily knew it wasn't right. The whole time, she pushed those feelings down. The whole time, she let everyone else convince her that this new life was the one she was supposed to be living. Even when she ran into Kelley in Marietta on New Year's Eve, even after she had ended her relationship, even after she knew she was still in love with Kelley, she still let everyone else's words overwhelm her. She kissed Kelley and then she walked away. To this day, the fact that she came back to Kelley's parents' home the next day and fixed things still seems irrelevant to Emily. The additional years they hurt - they lost - were because of Emily. 

And Emily knows that Kelley is still hurting, to this day, because Emily couldn't be brave when she needed to be. Kelley had to be so brave, all alone in that hospital bed, and Emily couldn't even grab a ride the few blocks to Kelley's apartment.

* * *

"I know you do, baby," Kelley says. “Promise.” She looks more at peace that Emily can remember her looking in years. She leans down and kisses Emily, letting her lips brush over Emily's first, before deepening the kiss, and then letting them linger.

Emily has to choke back tears, and she feels a wash of relief that Kelley's eyes are closed in this moment. She's been waiting a year for Kelley to believe her, or believe in her love again, rather. She knew the cracks existed all along, no matter how confidently Kelley said she knew Emily loved her, no matter how many times Kelley said it. Kelley had done such a good job of convincing herself that Emily loved her she was almost able to make Emily buy in, too. Almost. Except for her eyes. They never shine like they used to. There's never a sense of tranquility in Kelley's eyes even when she smiles. 

Until now. 

Now Kelley seems like she's really there, not just saying the words anymore, but meaning them. Emily buries her face in Kelley's chest, hugging her hard. She looks up at Kelley so Kelley will kiss her again, and slides her hand in between Kelley's legs.

There's a faint knock at the door, a creak, and Lindsey pokes her head in. "Can I come in?" she asks softly.


	7. Some Kind of Somethin'

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Because when it comes down to it, at its heart, this was always about Emily, really... And because Emily Sonnett has waited her entire goddamn adult life to show Lindsey just how good she is.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this chapter was supposed to be it. And now I’ve added two more chapters and... it’s not it. Because this wasn’t finished yet. So... sorry? In case you need that sorry. Mostly that sorry is for me, I think.

_You're the place between sleep and awake,  
_ _When dreams still feel real and you just want to stay  
_ _There with your eyes closed,  
_ _There where the heart knows  
__Anything could happen  
__It doesn't need a name  
__It's just..._

 _Some_ _kind of somethin'  
_ _I've never seen nothin'  
_ _That made me feel like this._

Kelley turns to look over her shoulder, meeting Lindsey’s eyes, and gives a nod. It’s certain and confident, but Lindsey’s gait is hesitant, and Kelley motions her closer. She watches as Lindsey slowly approaches, but Emily’s hand, now stilled between her legs, draws her attention back to the woman in front of her. Emily’s looking up at her expectantly, but hesitantly, hopeful, but unsure. Her other hand is on Kelley’s lower back, steadying her, perhaps a little possessive, holding Kelley close as Lindsey nears. Kelley cups Emily’s face in her hands, feeling the soft, warm skin against her palms. “Don’t stop,” she says, her voice unwavering, and that gets Emily’s fingers moving against her clit again before the words are even fully out of Kelley’s mouth. “Oh fuck, Em, don’t stop.” Kelley’s words become more of a whine and her hands make their way behind Emily’s head, tangling in her hair, pulling Emily’s face against her chest. 

Kelley senses Lindsey’s presence before she can feel her, before Lindsey’s breath is unsteady on the back of her neck, before Lindsey wraps her arms around Kelley’s waist. Kelley leans into Lindsey, letting go of Emily, as Emily slides her fingers inside. She’s almost wholly unaware of Lindsey fumbling to untie the sash on her robe, focused instead on Emily’s fingers moving in and out, until she feels the sharpness of the cold air on her bare shoulders as the robe falls lower down her back. And then Lindsey’s nuzzling against Kelley’s ear, and Kelley’s reaching one hand behind her, running her fingers along the back of Lindsey’s neck, trying to make sure Lindsey knows she wants her there. Just in case. 

Lindsey slides her arm over Emily’s, across Kelley’s exposed midsection, causing Kelley to tense up, just for a second. Her body jerks towards Emily. Lindsey freezes, wondering if she should have left them alone, but the moment passes as quickly as it happened, and Kelley’s body feels supple and relaxed leaning back against her again. Lindsey’s brushes Kelley’s hair off of her shoulder, exposing that same freckled skin that she’s seen in change rooms and training rooms and hotel rooms hundreds of times before, but she’s never been this close. Never been able to slowly kiss down Kelley’s neck and along the top of her shoulder, appreciating Kelley’s well-muscled upper torso. And yet, it feels so natural. It feels natural to Lindsey as her hands begin to explore Kelley’s mostly naked body – her arms, her ribs, her hipbones, her abs – until they’re cupping Kelley’s bare breasts. They feel small in Lindsey’s hands. Lindsey runs her fingers over Kelley’s nipples. Kelley’s hard, perfect nipples. Kelley turns her head towards Lindsey squeezing her eyes shut, a low hum escaping into Lindsey’s neck. It builds Lindsey’s confidence, spurring her to continue, to roll Kelley’s nipples between her fingers, to pinch them just enough so that Kelley whimpers.

And Emily gazes up at Kelley, appreciating her in a way she doesn’t normally get to, because now, someone else is holding her. She watches Kelley lean heavily into Lindsey as Emily draws out Kelley’s bliss, bringing her close to orgasm over and over, but not letting her get there quite yet. Not until Kelley is begging and pulling away from Lindsey, letting her robe drop the rest of the way to the floor, wrapping her arms around Emily as Emily’s fingers beckon Kelley towards her from inside. Emily can’t see her anymore, her face buried in Kelley’s breasts, but she can feel Kelley contracting around her fingers and Kelley’s body writhing with pleasure. And she _knows_ that sound that dies in Kelley’s throat, even though she went so long without hearing it.

Kelley leans forward and kisses Emily. It’s deep and it’s intense, and the realization that no one has ever kissed her like that is a punch in the gut to Lindsey. But the _thought_ of someone kissing her like that, hard enough to push her down into the bed like it seems Kelley is on the verge of doing to Emily, hits her somewhere else. And that draws Lindsey’s attention to just how wet she is. 

Emily catches Lindsey’s eye over Kelley’s shoulder, licking her fingers clean, and it makes Lindsey salivate. She wants to know what Kelley tastes like. She wants to know what Emily tastes like. And… _fuck_. She doesn’t know how this is going to work or how stupid an idea this might be, but she wants them both

Kelley gives Emily’s hands a reassuring squeeze. She steps out from between the two women. “Y’all have too much clothing on still,” she says flippantly over her shoulder as she makes her way across the room to turn off the overhead light. It leaves only the soft glow of a bedside lamp. When Kelley turns back around, Emily’s still sitting on the bed and Lindsey’s still standing in front of her. They’re staring at each other, neither one willing to move. Kelley crawls onto the bed, kneeling behind Emily. She massages Emily’s shoulders, but she’s looking right at Lindsey. “Come on, baby,” she whispers encouragingly in Emily’s ear, eyes not leaving Lindsey. And then she lays back on the bed, waiting. Watching.

She watches Emily rise, her normally steady hands shaking ever-so-slightly as she works on the buttons of Lindsey’s shirt.

She watches the sharp breath that Emily draws in as she slides Lindsey’s shirt off, exposing her shoulders, her stomach, her arms. Body parts they’ve both seen hundreds of times that somehow, in this context or in this lighting, look totally different. Maybe it’s the shadows darkening Lindsey’s skin, making it looked more sun-kissed than it really is in winter. Maybe it’s something else entirely.

She watches Emily run her fingers over the lace of Lindsey’s cornflower blue bra, the rise and fall of her shoulders stopping momentarily as she traces the outline of Lindsey’s nipples. 

She watches Emily reach up and touch Lindsey’s cheek, like she doesn’t know if she’s allowed to, and she catches that barely there movement as Lindsey tilts her face into the caress, so starved for a tender touch. 

Emily’s about to kiss her, Lindsey knows this. Her heart is pounding in her ears and her face is hot and that heat is extending to her ears, too. There’s a lump in her throat that she feels like Emily can’t kiss away. She’s on the verge of panicking, except it’s not about finally kissing the woman whom she’s had feeling for off and on for a decade. “Wait.” Emily pulls back, her eyebrows scrunching together in concern. “Tell me I’m not cheating on him. Tell me I’m not a horrible person. I haven’t even signed the divorce papers yet.” The creases on Emily’s brow dissipate. Lindsey closes her eyes and leans her forehead against Emily’s. 

Kelley wonders if she’s going to have to jump in, because Emily stands there for so long, not saying a thing, just holding Lindsey’s hands by her side, but then Emily’s words fill the silence. “You can’t cheat on someone you’re not going back to, Linds.” Emily’s lips connect with Lindsey’s in a kiss that Kelley knows they’ve both thought about for years. 

_And it’s ok._

It’s ok when Lindsey undresses Emily, appreciating every curve and dip and slope of a body she unknowingly memorized a long time ago.

It’s ok when Lindsey’s naked in their bed between them.

It’s ok when Emily is sucking one of Lindsey’s nipples into her mouth and Kelley is kissing Lindsey and dragging her nails across Lindsey’s stomach.

It’s ok when Emily is running her tongue along Lindsey’s hip bone and nibbling on her inner thigh and Kelley’s fingers are teasing at Lindsey’s entrance and Lindsey can’t keep still. 

And then Kelley moves her hand and lets Emily take over.

Lets Emily be the one to push Lindsey’s thighs apart, while Kelley whispers in Lindsey’s ear, checking one more time to make sure she’s ok, letting her know that they can stop or slow things down if she needs.

Lets Emily be the one to nose into Lindsey’s wetness, breathing her in, tasting her, exploring every bit of her, except there, while Kelley nips at Lindsey’s neck and kisses along her collarbone.

Lets Emily be the one to flick her tongue against Lindsey’s clit in a way that makes Lindsey’s back arch off the bed, while Kelley traces circles around one of Lindsey’s nipples with her tongue, and rolls the other between her fingers.

Lets Emily be the one to finally enter Lindsey, so carefully at first, while Kelley swallows the quiet groans and whines escaping Lindsey’s lips.

Lets Emily be the one to drive Lindsey closer and closer to the edge with every stroke against her G-spot, while Kelley pins Lindsey’s arms above her head, because Lindsey doesn’t have the confidence to guide Emily’s head where she wants it anyway and her hands are uselessly clenching at the sheets. And Kelley breathes against Lindsey’s ear that she can relax and let go, because her body is still so rigid.

Lets Emily be the one to make Lindsey come, with her fingers still inside and her tongue on Lindsey’s clit. Lindsey moans, unable to stop herself. And Kelley watches.

Because when it comes down to it, at its heart, this was always about Emily, really. Even if the way Lindsey looked and moved and sounded, first so quiet and then so _fucking_ loud, did more to Kelley than she ever could have imagined it would.

Emily wipes her mouth on the back of her hand and looks up at them both. Because she needs to know it’s ok, and she needs to know she was good, and she needs to know that nothing has changed – Kelley’s still her partner and Lindsey’s still her best friend and this wasn’t the worst idea Kelley’s ever had.

Nothing’s changed for them, for their dynamic. But something’s changed in Lindsey.

Lindsey looks at Kelley, almost helplessly, like she’s unsure of what to do, and Kelley kisses her softly. They both look at Emily. “She’s good, isn’t she?” Kelley muses aloud. 

“Yeah, she’s… Sonny, you’re _so_ good,” Lindsey replies, barely above a whisper, a deep, scratchy whisper. Kelley can’t help but smirk a little at that, because she knows. She _knows_. 

And Emily can’t help but blush a little, though it’s not exactly obvious considering that her face was slightly flushed already. But hearing that from Lindsey, it makes her grin. And she kisses Lindsey’s soft inner thigh again until she’s made her way back to Lindsey’s clit.

“Em… what? I… What are you… Oh fuck, Sonny. Fuck… I… oh god.” Lindsey can’t focus with Emily’s tongue doing whatever its doing. Every time she tries to start, her words get lost and she ends up biting her own arm trying to stay quiet, panting through her teeth. 

“Shhh, relax,” Kelley says, and it’s so soothing, but…

“But I already – ” Lindsey tries to protest.

“I know,” Kelley says, kissing her back down into the bed.

“But she – ”

“She knows. She’s not done. You’re not done.”

“Fuck,” Lindsey rasps. She loses count of the orgasms. Emily doesn’t. Because Emily Sonnett has waited her entire goddamn adult life to show Lindsey just how good she is. She doesn’t stop until Lindsey is shaking and her chest is heaving harder than when she plays a full 90. She doesn’t stop until Lindsey is verging on dehydration and finally, she makes use of her hands, to push Emily away when she’s too sensitive. She doesn’t stop until Lindsey head is swirling and her throat is raw and she can’t speak.

* * *

She finally gathers her words and her thoughts, as best she can at least, later, when Emily’s asleep. When the room is pitch black and silent except for breathing and Kelley’s motionless, but Lindsey knows that even though Kelley’s wrapped in Emily’s arms, she’s still awake. She turns on her side to face Kelley.

“What are you thinking about?” comes a hushed voice.

It’s uncanny, the way Kelley knows her. She _longs_ to be known like that. She always has. “It’s just… it was so good, and I need to know why.”

“Why?” Kelley asks, confused.

“Like, is it because it’s been so long? Is it because it was both of you? Is it just _her_? Because it’s not like that with him. I never… Is it because I’m _gay_?”

Kelley lets out a soft chuckle. “How am I supposed to know that, Linds?”

“Well, is sex with a woman _always_ that good?”

“Sex with her is always that good. But, she’s the only woman I’ve been with in the last nine years. Except for…” Kelley doesn’t know if she can handle finishing that sentence. “It was once,” she rushes the words out before she loses her nerve, feeling like she still owes Lindsey an explanation. “I don’t even remember it. I was so drunk and – ”

“Kell, I didn’t mean to…” Lindsey interrupts. “I meant before Sonny.”

“I know, it’s ok. Look, before her was a long, long time ago. And like, I remember, but I don’t, you know? I guess, well, sex with women has always been so much better than sex with men was for me. But that’s because I’m gay. I’m not bi, so I don’t think I can give you a fair answer, other than women are more attentive… it’s just different, it’s less… selfish. And, maybe not all of them, but you’re just gonna have to figure it out. I mean, there are _ways_ to figure it out.”

Lindsey snorts and Kelley pushes her shoulder, afraid she’s going to wake Emily up. “Oh my god, aren’t you tired? You literally have as long as you need to figure yourself out. Go to sleep.”

Lindsey thinks she should probably figure it out sooner rather than later. She’s old, after all, too old to be questioning shit like this, she thinks. But she’s not going to figure it out in this moment. “Night, Kell,” she yawns.

“Mmm,” Kelley grunts.

* * *

An hour and a half later, Kelley is still awake. She feels Emily slide off the bed and watches her, well the outline of her, rummaging around in the pile of discarded clothing on the floor. She makes her way across their bedroom to the bathroom and flips on the light. Kelley catches a glimpse of Emily just before she pushes the door to behind her – she’s wearing Lindsey’s flannel. It’s too big on her, and the way it swooshes around her, Kelley knows it’s unbuttoned. It would be hot, but…

But it doesn’t register with Kelley, that Emily, who Kelley has joked should visit a nudist resort on multiple occasions, has bothered to cover up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, presumably, because she’s not comfortable around Lindsey the same way she is with Kelley. Instead, Kelley fixates on seeing Emily wearing Lindsey’s shirt. It sends a pain through Kelley’s chest and into her stomach, a pain that doesn’t go away when she swallows, so she turns over in bed, trying to find a comfortable position, trying to breathe again. It’s ridiculous, truly. Emily just fucked another woman, albeit while she watched, but the sight of her partner in someone else’s shirt is what’s eating at her now. She’s about to get out of bed because the pain isn’t subsiding, but she hears the bathroom door open again, and makes out the silhouette of Emily’s squared shoulders crossing their bedroom. 

Emily drops Lindsey’s shirt back on the pile. “Did I wake you?” she asks as she slides back under the covers and Kelley cuddles against her. 

“No, I’ve been awake.”

Emily pulls Kelley closer, wrapping her arms around her partner’s smaller frame. “Baby, it’s late. Does this mean you’re not going to get up and go run tomorrow morning?”

Kelley can hear this hopefulness in Emily’s voice that hits her in the chest, dulling the pain, but not making the feeling any less uncomfortable. “Em, I – ”

“Don’t give me an excuse about training for some non-existent race,” Emily cuts her off.

“It’s not an excuse, it’s – ”

“It’s an excuse. You’ve been running like this for at least the past year, maybe longer, maybe before we got back together, I don’t know. You’ve never entered a race. I check on you, because you shared your location with me. I started checking because you’d be gone for so long and it was always dark out, and I was a million miles away, waiting for you to text me that you made it home. I’d worry the whole time that you wouldn’t make it back,” she says, clearly hurting. Emily’s never shared this with her, and Kelley hasn’t heard that kind of pain in her voice in a long time. She thinks about what it must have been like for Emily to lie there in bed every morning, waiting in the dark, five states away, utterly helpless, for Kelley to let her know she was safe. How now, even though they’re in the same house, Emily still worries. Kelley always figured that Emily was asleep when she ran, that her “I’m home” text or crawling back in bed was Emily’s wake up call. Turns out, Emily probably felt like she couldn’t breathe the whole time Kelley was gone. Everyday. For over a year. And it’s kind of like Kelley feels right now. Her mind clicks back to Emily’s voice, soft, so as not to wake Lindsey. “But it’s too many miles,” Emily’s saying. “It’s excessive.”

“It’s not excessive, it’s – ” Kelley says weakly, fully aware that Emily has figured her out, has had her figured out for a while.

“It is.”

“Stop interrupting me.”

“Stop running. You’re not running _for_ something. You’re running _from_ something. To escape. Or so you can feel pain. I don’t know which. Maybe both. But, baby, you don’t need to run anymore. And you don’t need to hurt anymore,” Emily whispers into Kelley’s hair, having pulled Kelley onto her.

It’s almost too much for Kelley – the pressure in her chest, Emily’s arms wrapped tightly around her, their bodies flush together. It feels too claustrophobic. But she lets Emily hold her anyway, because the alternative – _not_ being in Emily’s arms - seems like it would feel so much worse. And then she stops at that realization. Not being in Emily’s arms would be worse. Except she’s in Emily’s arms. And she doesn’t have to worry. And when she checks herself, it registers with her that she’s not hurting. She hasn’t been hurting for a while. Not really. But in the absence of the pain she had felt for so long, she had been _creating_ pain for herself, because she thought she deserved it. She never deserved it. She deserved love. She deserved forgiveness. The same love and forgiveness that Emily has been trying to shower her with for the past year. The same love and forgiveness that she’s been ignoring, pushing away actually, in order to pay some imaginary penance – take care of Emily in an effort to try to make it up to her and punish herself with any energy she has left. And Emily never wanted any of it. 

“I’m sorry. I didn’t know it worried you. You should have said something,” Kelley mumbles.

“You’re not really good at listening to what other people think is best for you,” Emily shrugs. “Besides, uou needed to do what you needed to do. I figured there was a purpose.”

“It’s too much, you’re right,” Kelley admits, completely unbothered that she’s giving Emily that sort of leverage to bring up later, but Emily doesn’t joke about _finally_ being right. “We can workout together.”

“Um, yeah no. I can’t keep up with you, babe. You’d summit a fucking mountain and I’d be halfway up with you waving down at me.”

Kelley laughs quietly. Emily’s not wrong. “I’ll do your workouts.”

“Which are basically the workouts that you write so…”

“But they’re tailored for you to not get overuse injuries. You don’t want to workout with me?”

“I do!” Emily protests.

“Shhh!”

“You’re just, like, old, and I don’t know how I feel about you kicking my ass everyday.” Emily knows she’s going to pay for that, no matter how funny she finds herself. Kelley starts to push herself up off of Emily’s chest, like she forgot Lindsey is asleep mere feet from them, so Emily grabs her. Pulls her back down. Kisses her before she can yell. Because Kelley is pretty damn sensitive about nearing 40. “I love you. So much. So, so much. And, also you don’t look a day over, um, 31? Like, you haven’t changed a bit since we started dating,” Emily tries to stifle her laughter.

“Yeah? Ok. I hope you enjoy your circuit tomorrow. Because when I crush your time, I might just post it on Instagram.”

“You wouldn’t. People don’t know.”

“They’re going to find out eventually. Might as well be on our terms. Well my terms. It’s what you get for calling me old,” Kelley says, trying to sound like she’s still upset. Or at least like she’s serious. “What’s the matter? You don’t want everyone to know that my ‘old’ ass can still beat yours?”

“I mean? No?” Emily squirms. “You know, I don’t think I tell you enough, but you’re gorgeous. Like, hot. So fucking sexy – ”

“For my age,” Kelley cuts in.

“Yes. I mean no. Fuck,” Emily tries to backtrack. “Baby, you are so beautiful. Exquisite. Stunning.”

“Well don’t stop now.” Kelley kind of likes all these compliments. And the fact that Emily is slightly panicked because she can’t gauge if Kelley’s truly upset or not.

Emily’s all out. Words have never been her thing. But it’s ok, because her lips and her tongue are enough to distract Kelley. For now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You know, I went to a religious school for awhile, but my family wasn’t religious, and I feel not-even-a little scarred by my time there. But there’s something about hitting “Post” on the Lord’s Day, or in this case, the Lord’s whole three-day weekend, when it’s threesome smut, that’s just extra special I think. Happy Easter? Let me know what you think. Not about the holiday, about the thing.


	8. Inside

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Their roles in each others lives have changed over the last decade, and undoubtedly will change again. But now – in this moment – the crossing of their paths seems fated. All lost, all looking for some form of salvation in each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Smut without purpose for your Saturday night or Sunday morning church reading pleasure.

_I feel you just about to break up,  
_ _You’re a little scared of everything that you know.  
_ _But don’t worry, nothing’s gonna change us,  
_ _Don’t cha know that I’m in love with everything you are._

 _You’re amazing, you are wonderful.  
_ _You are small and you are big at the same time.  
_ _You’re still walkin’ when you want so much to fly.  
_ _You have so many questions,  
_ _and every answer inside._

“Say it.” Kelley presses into Emily, pinning her against the wall, arms above her head. “Say it,” she repeats slowly, her voice a low growl.

“I’m yours. Forever. Only yours.”

“Are you going to fuck her while y’all are gone?” Kelley grabs a fistful of Emily’s hair, tugging Emily’s head back towards her so she’s breathing against Emily’s ear. 

Sex – always Kelley’s default when she’s insecure.

“No, love,” Emily promises.

Kelley tugs harder, drawing a groan from Emily. “But you want to. You’re gonna be alone with her. And she’s so hot.”

“So fucking hot,” Emily repeats.

“I know you want to.” Kelley lets go of Emily’s hands, but not her hair, sliding her hand below Emily’s waistband. “Baby, you _really_ want to.” Kelley’s fingers slide through Emily’s folds.

“Kell,” Emily whines, pressing against Kelley’s fingers, into the wall. It’s not inaccurate. Emily would never. But god, thinking about it, Kelley talking about it, she can’t help the slick smear coating her underwear – and Kelley’s fingers – already.

Kelley doesn’t back down. “I know you like making her come. You like hearing her say your name. I know you want- ”

Emily spins around, catching Kelley off guard, grabbing both of her wrists. “I want _you_ to say my name. I want to fuck _you_. And then…” Emily walks Kelley back towards their bed. “and then maybe I’ll fuck her.” She lifts Kelley’s shirt over her head and throws her down on the bed. Emily’s unable to wipe the smirk off her face at she looks at Kelley, lying there pouting over losing control. But that pout doesn’t last for long. Emily leans down and drags Kelley’s leggings and underwear off together, to the sounds of Kelley giggling, and then straddles her. 

“You better not be coming to bed with all those clothes on,” Kelley complains, grabbing for the hem of Emily’s shirt. 

“Why? I don’t need to be naked to do what I’m going to do.”

“I wanna feel your skin,” Kelley – needy – tugs Emily’s shirt over her head with Emily’s help. She knows how much that kind of closeness means to Kelley. She drops off to the side, caressing Kelley’s face, and Kelley leans into it, but it doesn’t stop her grumbling. “This was hotter when I had you up against the wall.”

“Was it?” Emily muses, tipping Kelley’s chin up so she can see her eyes. Those hazel eyes that carry all the hope and pain in the world. “You’re beautiful. So beautiful.”

“Stop,” Kelley whines. She sees the lines around her eyes, at the corners of her mouth, on her neck, when she looks in the mirror. They gray just barely starting to come through. She hates it all.

“Most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen,” Emily continues, running her thumb across Kelley’s lips, stopping any further argument. “These are cause you smile with your eyes every time you see me,” Emily lets her fingertips graze over Kelley’s eyelid, stopping at her crow’s feet. “And these,” she kisses the corner of Kelley’s mouth, “are because you went with funny over hot, which frankly, was a really smart decision on your part.”

“You said you were going to fuck me,” Kelley chokes out in an attempt to hide her feelings. Her eyes are greener when they get teary.

“Oh, I am. Don’t worry.” Emily runs her hand through Kelley’s hair. “And these are because I drive you crazy, I know. But honestly, you should just get used to them because it’s about to get real stressful having to coach me. I don’t know if anybody mentioned it to you, but I have a bit of a temper and sometimes I get red cards. Like straight reds. None of that pussy double yellow shit.” Kelley can’t hold in her laughter. “See!” Emily exclaims, kissing her laugh lines again.

“You’re the best of everything, you know? I never had to choose with you. I got the whole package.” Kelley hooks her fingers behind Emily’s head and pulls her in. “Funny.” Kiss. “Hot.” Kiss. “Sweet.” Kiss. “Charming.” Kiss. “So good in bed.” Kiss. She guides Emily’s hand over her breast, down her stomach, between her legs. 

* * *

“What are you doing?” Emily rests her chin on her hands on Kelley’s chest, staring up at her with a lazy smile.

“Texting Lindsey.”

“She’s like, in the next room,” Emily laughs.

“Yeah? And I want her in here.” Emily looks at her confused. “I’m not gonna go get her. I don’t feel like putting clothes on just to take them off again.”

**KO** : whatcha doing?

 **Linds** : listening to music. Thinking bout watching some film.

 **KO** : we’ll watch with you. Later. Wanna join us?

_As if that’s even a question._

**Linds** : Now?

 **KO** : You’re the only one in this house not naked

 **Linds** : Say no more!

* * *

Emily brushes her nipples against Lindsey’s, and Lindsey trails her fingers down Emily’s back, just as lightly.

Emily grinds against Lindsey’s naked body, and Lindsey digs her fingers deep into the muscle of Emily’s ass, pulling her in harder.

Emily’s fingers are buried between Lindsey’s legs, and Lindsey rolls her hips up into it. 

Emily kisses down her stomach, bites along her hip, kisses her inner thighs, and Lindsey breathes through the shivers that wrack her body.

Emily’s tongue runs between Lindsey’s lips, separating them, running around her entrance, and Lindsey sighs into the silence.

Emily’s lips land on Lindsey’s clit, sucking lightly, and Lindsey arches up into it, already impatient for more.

And then Emily feels Kelley’s hand in her hair again, dragging her up to her knees, pulling her away from Lindsey. She whines as Kelley licks at that spot behind her ear and pinches her nipples. Whines at the anticipation of what she knows is to come when she feels the strap-on pressed against her. 

Lindsey sighs at the loss of Emily’s mouth against her center. She props herself up to look at them. The way they melt together – she wants that. But right now, she can’t resist them. Emily’s lightly tanned skin and that perfectly cut body kneeling before her, a little gone, a little pliant. Kelley’s body, mostly hidden from her sight, but her presence fills the entire room, beckoning Lindsey forward. It drives Lindsey to get her hands on Emily’s hips. To run her tongue along the muscle popping out on Emily’s neck. Her body is pressed against Emily’s, but her lips find Kelley’s. Desperate. Hyper aware of the wave of relief that washes over her, like she’s been waiting for this, wanting this. Like some part of her was scared of this, of Kelley. And Kelley’s kiss - the way her lips move effortlessly with Lindsey’s – Kelley can just _read_ her. With just her lips, she knows how to make Lindsey feel wanted, confident, safe. Soft. Slow. Barely brushing. Then deep. It leaves Lindsey lightheaded, needing to break the kiss that she didn’t want to break, because she can’t breathe.

And just like that, Kelley’s focus and mouth are on Emily again. “Babe, you want Linds to get you all warmed up for me?” Kelley asks without letting go of Emily’s ear lobe, now between her teeth. Emily doesn’t even open her eyes, but she whimpers.

Lindsey’s fingers are nothing like Kelley’s as they explore her – hesitant, stiff – and Emily opens her eyes to see an uncertainty in Lindsey’s. “Fuck, Linds,” she covers Lindsey’s hand with her own “fuck… I like it when you touch me,” she rasps, trying to urge Lindsey on. Her hand, or her words, seem to relax Lindsey as she guides Lindsey through her folds, up against her clit and back down, until her breath is uneven and matches Lindsey’s. And Kelley – Kelley is that ever-solid force behind her, supporting her weight and her emotions. “Wanna feel you inside of me.” Emily’s almost begging now, something Lindsey never thought she’d hear.

“I- ” Lindsey hesitates, but then Kelley is in her ear, encouraging her, taking her by the wrist and using her mouth to wet two of Lindsey’s fingers, and then guiding her back down. 

Emily’s breath comes out in huffs as she adjusts to Lindsey’s fingers moving in and out. They’re bigger, longer. Lindsey fucking her makes her feel fuller than when Kelley’s inside of her. Lindsey’s fingers curl against Emily’s g-spot, and Emily’s breaths turn into a moan that that hits Lindsey in the same place as where Emily feels it. “Right there. Oh- no. Oh god yes! Right there. Don’t stop Linds. Don’t move,” Emily’s voice falters. But Lindsey’s fingers don’t, and it doesn’t take long for Emily to fall apart once Lindsey finds the right spot, still high from fucking Kelley earlier. And Emily’s moan turns into a whimper muffled by Lindsey’s collarbone as she falls forward.

The connection, the emotions, the commitment to someone else’s pleasure – and to not want to rush to get it over with, but to enjoy it, together, it’s overwhelming. To get to fuck someone not because she had to, but because she wanted to. God, did she want to. And she wants to again. To feel a woman trembling and tightening around her. To be the reason why a woman loses her words. To feel sexy. Wanted. Powerful. To feel like she’s good at something. _To_ _feel_ _period_. This whetted her appetite, but the craving is still there. A craving that never existed with him. She wants more.

Kelley and Lindsey lock eyes as Emily comes down, acknowledging the bond they’ve been building – repairing – a little at a time. A silent acknowledgement of the way the three of them fit together, of their roles, of their needed presence in each other’s lives. At least in this time and space. Roles that have changed over the last decade. Roles that will undoubtedly change again. But now – in this moment – the crossing of their paths seems fated. All lost, all looking for some form of salvation: Lindsey worth, Kelley redemption, Emily connection.

Kelley grabs the lube and flips open the top, and then Lindsey’s hand is on hers. Taking the bottle. Squeezing the lube onto her fingers. Spreading it all over Kelley’s cock. Watching makes Emily’s chest heave and Kelley keeps gasping when the base of the cock presses into her just right. The way Lindsey can hold both of their eyes riveted on her hand is exhilarating.

But then Emily is kissing her down into the mattress again and Kelley’s pushing a pillow under her hips. Emily’s hands are gliding all over Lindsey’s body so hungry that it’s dizzying. It’s consuming to the point that all Lindsey can think about is Emily’s mouth on her. Right back where she left off. Except Emily’s breath is heavy in her ear, and Emily’s teeth are biting on her collarbone, and then Emily’s mouth is hot on her nipples. Her mouth is everywhere but there. No one’s ever taken care of her like this, never appreciated her like this, never wanted her like this. The way Emily runs her thumb along Lindsey’s hipbone with just the right amount of pressure to make her wriggle. The way she eases Lindsey’s legs apart and takes her time in everything she does – like it’s about more that just pleasure. Like it’s about letting Lindsey process who she is every step of the way. Letting her sit there with every emotion that’s brought on by every touch. Until Emily’s back between her legs and Lindsey’s mind is blank.

Emily’s mind, on the other hand, is not blank. It’s the opposite of blank. It’s whirring because Kelley has left a trail of kisses down her spine and tilted her hips up and the mattress sinks beside Emily’s legs where Kelley’s knees rest. It’s fuzzy because the cock is sliding down between her ass cheeks, separating her lips, running over her clit. Her tongue falters. Lindsey’s fingertips brush her temples. It refocuses her, but only briefly because Kelley enters her – slow and shallow and Emily hums quietly, lips buzzing against Lindsey. Her tongue gets sloppy as Kelley lengthens her strokes. Lindsey’s fingers dig into her scalp, trying to keep Emily where she needs her. But with every thrust deeper, Emily gets more and more lost in at all. She has trouble remembering to keep moving her fingers. And then Kelley hits her just right and Emily arches back in this in this long, throaty moan. Kelley lets go of Emily’s hip and grabs her by the hair again. “Focus, baby. I want you to make her come,” Kelley whispers, still inside Emily. “Don’t you want her to make you come, Linds?” All Lindsey can manage is to tilt her hips up into Emily’s and some indistinguishable sounds. Kelley shoves Emily’s head back down, meeting Lindsey’s hands and Lindsey pulls her the rest of the way. Kelley leaves her hand on Emily’s back as a reminder.

Kelley waits until Emily’s tongue is flicking over Lindsey’s clit again to start fucking her, still slow but deeper now, holding Emily’s hips steady while she does most of the work. It’s hard for her to hold back, watching Emily pushing Lindsey’s thighs up with her shoulders. With Emily’s hands all over Lindsey’s body. With Emily drawing out those quiet sounds from Lindsey’s lips that gradually crescendo into Lindsey screaming a whole chain of profane words. With Emily lapping up all of Lindsey’s juices.

Kelley thrusts hard into Emily, pushing her forward onto Lindsey’s thigh. “Please don’t stop. Please baby,” Emily begs. Her legs are shaking and she can hardly hold herself up anymore, but Kelley’s got her. Kelley thrusts faster until the only sounds filling the room are the slap of their skin against each other and their heavy breathing. And then Lindsey reaches up and rubs hard against Emily’s clit to send her over the edge again.

Kelley smacks Emily on the ass. “Atta girl!” Emily collapses onto Lindsey with a chuckle and Kelley lands beside them, grinning. Emily drums her fingers on Lindsey’s collarbone, felling the rise and fall of Lindsey’s chest under her. Kelley brushes the tendrils of hair that have fallen loose from Emily bun back behind her ear and runs her fingers along the sweaty curve of Emily’s back. She marvels at Emily’s contented smile, how peaceful she looks lying there. “I love you,” she leans over to place a kiss on Emily’s lips. It’s like they’re the only two people in the room. Except they’re not, and Kelley knows this because her free hand is squeezing Lindsey’s.

* * *

I’m gonna make you proud.” Emily presses her forehead into Kelley’s and takes Kelley’s face in her hands. Her fingers are trembling, and it matches the shakiness of her voice. There’s still a part of her, after all she’s achieved, that feels a little bit like her self-worth is based on her success.

“I already am proud of you. No matter what happens. I’ve always been,” Kelley grips Emily’s face hard, reassuring her. Their kiss lingers, neither one wanting to spend most of the next month apart, neither one thinking that would ever happen again. “I’ll see you soon.”

“I love you,” Emily whispers against her lips. And then she’s out of the car, following Lindsey into the airport. She stops as the automatic doors open, turns, and gives Kelley this little shy wave, same soft smile as always warming Kelley to the core.


	9. At the Heart of Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> All good things must come to and end, but not all endings are bad. Sometimes, it’s just time.

_If your face can't be_  
 _Ever here before me_  
 _I can always hold you_  
 _In my mind  
_ _More real now  
_ _Than passing time_

_But it wouldn't matter now_   
_No, it couldn't change what I see_   
_If a thousand miles lay between us today_   
_You're still at the heart of me_

  
  


“Sonny, can you get my sweatshirt?” Lindsey’s lying in one of the hotel beds, and Sonnett’s up unpacking and organizing all the shoes she unnecessarily brought, so no need for her to move, she figures. And it’s not like Sonnett minds.

“Which bag?” Lindsey points to her duffle before refocusing her attention to the EPL game on TV. It’s why she doesn’t realize right away that Sonnett’s been squatting in front of her bag, unmoving, for over a minute. 

“Did I forget it?”

“Nope,” Sonnett pops the P. Spinning on her toes, still crouched, she holds up a strap-on, dangling it out for Lindsey to see. “You also didn’t forget to pack this.” It’s smooth, Sonnett thinks, for Lindsey who is decidedly not smooth. The whiny pretext of “Sonny can you get my sweatshirt?” followed by an innocent “how did that get in there?” And Sonnett is a huge fan of morning sex…

“No, really, Sonnett. I did _not_ pack that!” Lindsey protests. “Did you pack it?” Sonnett shakes her head emphatically. “Well how did it get in there then?

“Kelley!” They both shout at the same time.

Sonnett hops onto the bed next to Lindsey, placing the surprise in her lap. They stare at each other for a beat and break out in laughter. What Kelley was thinking, Sonnett cannot wrap her head around, so she FaceTimes her.

Sonnett leans into Lindsey when Kelley answers, making sure they’re both on the screen. “Found it already, I see.” Kelley’s eyes sparkle at the blush on their faces.

“Kelley- ” Lindsey starts.

“What? Em’s sensitive about taking sex toys on planes.”

“Kelley!” Emily didn’t think her face could get hotter.

“You know it’s the truth, babe,” Kelley shrugs.

“But you said…” Sonnett’s voice trails off and they just stare at each other.

“Said what?” Lindsey wants to know. “Son, what did she say?” She doesn’t get an answer. “Kelley, what’d you say?”

Kelley ignores her. Looking straight at Emily she simply says, “We’re all entitled to change our minds.” And then she turns her attention to Lindsey. “She’s nervous. And the best way to help her with her nerves is- ”

“Kelley said we can’t have sex without her!” Sonnett’s words tumble out of her mouth too loudly as she cuts Kelley off.

“Well no shit,” Lindsey says like that was obviously never an option.

“Like I said, I changed my mind. I want Emily to have the best camp possible. And… I want to watch.”

Lindsey laughs nervously.

“Wait.” Sonnett slides her hand into Lindsey’s to soothe her. “What exactly do you wanna watch, Kell?” she asks coyly. What better way to make Kelley feel like she’s a part of this than to let her… or make her… orchestrate it.

“Before her first training,” Kelley says to Lindsey, like Emily’s not even in the room. “FaceTime me.”

* * *

Lindsey’s been staring at the ceiling for a while now, and although she’s still and her breathing steady, Kelley can feel the edginess in her body. Over time, Lindsey has learned to relax against her, but now, she can tell that the younger woman is anxious again. Kelley snuggles closer to her, drumming her fingers on Lindsey’s breastbone.

“She always falls right to sleep after sex, huh?” Lindsey asks. She can feel Kelley’s tense energy, like Kelley is just waiting for her to bare her soul. Lindsey takes a minute, then turns into Kelley. “We can’t keep doing this.” She says it without letting her voice shake and without her eyes filling with tears, and for those reasons, she’s proud.

It’s a combination of things that have slowly led her to the realization that time is almost up.

The season’s about to start.

What it would do to Kelley’s reputation, to her career, if this got out.

A storage unit full of belongings from two homes that are no longer hers.

She needs her own place.

Kelley and Sonnett need to live their life. Alone together.

This was never meant to be forever.

It’s more than accomplished its goals.

And Lindsey fears that the feelings that have been developing will be too much to overcome gracefully if it doesn’t end soon.

She loves them. Both. Dearly.

She needs to live her own life.

She knew all along that it would come to this.

They all did.

The prior knowledge doesn’t make it hurt any less.

It feels like having to break up with someone you’re still very much in love with for a reason that years from now is just going to seem so miniscule. 

And yet, it’s very necessary.

Maybe they were stupid to let this happen.

Maybe they have changed Lindsey’s life forever.

Maybe it’s changed all their lives.

Kelley knows exactly what _this_ is the moment Lindsey says it. She brushes her thumb over Lindsey’s cheek. The sadness in her eyes matches Lindsey’s. Lindsey’s right, Kelley knows this, but she can’t help but marvel at the strength it must have taken for her to say it. She doesn’t think she could have, and Emily never would have. Emily would have been content to live out their lives together as a thruple, as she’s taken to calling them when they go to dinner, which Emily has decided are dates. Kelley asked Emily about it a couple of weeks ago, if she only saw their future going forward with Lindsey in it and Emily looked at her like she was crazy. She’s just so go with the flow that whatever the future holds hardly crosses her mind. Maybe it’s a product of the time she let herself dream only to have her dreams crushed. But Kelley also knows Emily would never allow herself to be the one to end it, the one to inflict pain, unless Kelley wanted it to end. She would do anything for Kelley, and deep down, Kelley knows this. That question sparked a conversation between the couple, Emily asking Kelley is she wanted it to end. The best answer Kelley could give at the time was “not really, I don’t know,” but the truth is, Kelley knows the answer. She wants to try again to have a family with Emily, and that can’t include Lindsey.

Kelley scoots closer to Lindsey, close enough to kiss her. It’s not exactly an expected response to someone saying a relationship needs to end, but it’s not like it has to end today. 

Lindsey meets her, kisses her back hungrily. Her hand slides down until it’s full of Kelley ass cheek, and she can pull Kelley into her, letting Kelley’s slight, but muscular thigh slot in between her legs. 

Kelley feels Lindsey’s slick as Lindsey rubs on her quad. “Somebody’s ready to go again,” Kelley smiles against her lips. “Let’s wake her up.”

Lindsey holds onto Kelley too tight for her to budge. “I want you. I want to know what you taste like.”

Kelley studies her, brow furrowed. Lindsey’s mouth has never been on either of them. So why her? Why not Emily?

“I want to make you feel good, but…” she murmurs with this uncertainty in her voice as it trails off. It’s not because she doesn’t know what she wants – because she _does_ know – but the fear of not being good enough, that fear that’s been pervasive throughout her life, is rearing its ugly head again.

 _But what?_ Kelley wonders.

_But she doesn’t know if Kelley wants that, too?_

_But the thought of it makes her uncomfortable?_

_But she doesn’t know what she’s doing?_

_But she doesn’t know how Emily would feel about it?_

_But maybe they should stop now rather than later?_

They hang there for a minute, caught in this silence, Lindsey not wanting to verbalize her fears and Kelley not wanting to push her. She thinks about how if this were her and Emily, Emily would kiss away Kelley’s uncertainty without ever having to ask what it stemmed from. She innately knows how to make Kelley feel better, always. Their entire history together runs at lightspeed through Kelley’s mind and she realizes that she doesn’t even know how to be the person who takes away someone’s worry because she’s never had to do it for Emily. Underneath her introverted spirit that sometimes came off as unconfident and uncertain, Emily’s always known who she is and exactly what she wants out of life. From their fling turned relationship, to buying a house, getting married, and wanting to start a family, to getting back together, moving and playing here, Emily’s never wavered. When they were apart, her heart still knew, even if she didn’t act on it. This thing they got into with Lindsey, Emily never once thought it was going to change their relationship, never once considered it would get messy, because she just _knew_. Or maybe because she has some sort of solid, undeniable faith, but in what, Kelley doesn’t have a clue. God? Her own intuition? Kelley? Some karmic belief that if she’s good (and she _is_ good) the universe will take care of everything else? Kelley doesn’t know how Emily does it given what they’ve been through. It makes her love Emily even more. And knowing that she has no idea how to be that steadfast rock for someone else makes her feel like she deserves Emily even less. 

She kisses Lindsey again, and that seems reassuring enough as the tightness in her neck and shoulders melts away. “You’re gonna have to tell me what to do,” Lindsey whispers, finally breaking the kiss. 

“Why don’t you let Em tell you what to do?” Kelley suggests, gently pinching Emily’s hip until she stirs.

“I know it’s not morning,” Emily mumbles sleepily, without opening her eyes. “But I’m ready. What are we doing?” She stretches dramatically and yawns. 

Lindsey chuckles softly at her. “Help me make your- ” Lindsey almost slips up and says wife, “your girlfriend come.”

That’s enough to get Emily to open her eyes wide. “Oh?” She finds Lindsey propped up on her elbow looking at her, but her hand is making long passes from Kelley’s breasts, down her stomach, between her legs, and it’s pretty clear that Kelley’s not going to wait patiently forever. Emily’s eyes fixate on the way Lindsey’s fingers make Kelley arch under her.

Controlling Kelley’s pleasure through a proxy is hotter than Emily imagined it ever could be. It all makes sense now, why Kelley couldn’t help but get off with her vibrator while she watched Emily ride Lindsey through the small screen of her laptop before her first full session back with the team. But now, Kelley’s not even looking at Emily, too far gone to even open her eyes and see that Emily’s rubbing her own clit. Emily knows how to draw out Kelley’s pleasure, how to tease her closer and closer, but one word stops Lindsey from sucking on her clit and Kelley from coming. Maybe it’s a little payback for before the CONCACAF semi-final. 

******

They were running out of time to get downstairs and onto the bus and Lindsey was fucking her into the mattress, so deep in her that Emily’s mind was free of absolutely every thought. It was better than meditation. It made her forget about soccer and the fact that they had to win that night to qualify for the Olympics, the fact that she was on the bubble to make the roster. It made her forget about what she must’ve looked like with her legs thrown over Lindsey’s shoulders and who could hear her. It was just Lindsey’s cock, so far in her that it felt like she was in her chest sometimes, rubbing along her front wall, and making her spasm. Kelley wouldn’t let her come for so long, creating a buildup Emily didn’t know she could handle. When she finally did, the intensity of the orgasm was worth so it. But they were the last two on the bus. Sam asked her why she looked so disheveled and Lindsey jumped in and muttered something about Emily being too nervous to sleep recently, she finally had fallen asleep about an hour before they had to leave and Lindsey didn’t want to wake her until the last minute. And then there was Lindsey, running her fingers over Sonnett’s center through her sweatpants from under a jacket, gently trying to help her back down because her pussy was still throbbing even after they were seated on the bus. 

******

So even though Emily played what felt like the best soccer of her career of those 90 minutes, her first start in over a year, Kelley definitely deserves this right now, she thinks. She knows how to get Kelley’s legs shaking. She knows how to make Kelley beg, but it’s even better when she’s begging Lindsey, because Emily can tell in her wildest dreams, Lindsey never thought Kelley O’Hara would beg her to let her come. Her pleas to get Lindsey to lick her faster fall on deaf ears with Sonnett pulling the strings, and when Kelley tangles her fingers in Lindsey’s hair, determined to get what she wants, Emily straddles her stomach, pinning her hands and kissing her while Lindsey continues to drive her crazy. It’s not until Emily says so that Kelley can finally shatter in a series of sounds that hits Sonnett in between her legs.

“I want her to sit on your face,” Sonnett says from her knees between them where she’s fingering them both.

“Fuck, baby, just hang on, I’m almost there,” Kelley whines.

“Uh-uh,” Emily withdraws her fingers from Kelley, turning her attention to Lindsey. “I want Linds to finish you off. Want to make her come again?” Emily asks, still stroking Lindsey’s g-spot. Lindsey moans, which basically sounds like a yes.

Kelley glares at her, thinking about all the ways she’s going to fuck with Emily over the next few days. But this was her idea, so she centers herself above Lindsey, sticky thighs on either side of the younger woman’s head. She doesn’t know how she’s going to last if Emily makes Lindsey take her time with her again. As it is, as soon as Lindsey’s tongue starts spreading her open, she thinks she could collapse and suffocate her. Maybe it’s because Emily has one hand on Kelley’s hip and can feel her trembling. Maybe it’s because her fingers bring Lindsey to orgasm after just another minute inside her. Maybe it’s because she’s grinding against Lindsey as Lindsey fucks Kelley with her tongue. But this time, Emily lets Lindsey work Kelley over fast and hard until her juices are filling Lindsey’s mouth and dripping all over her tanned skin. Kelley collapses beside her; Emily kisses Lindsey hungrily, tasting her girlfriend, and then licks Lindsey’s neck clean, still grinding her pelvic bone into Lindsey’s clit until they’re both coming.

It’s a little after 2am and they have a morning training session. They’re sticky, the bed has multiple spots where it’s soaked through to the (thankfully waterproof) mattress cover, the room smells like sex, they smell like sex. They all need to shower and Kelley knows that any minute, Emily’s going to drag both of them into the shower with her and probably have them up against the wall with her fingers buried between their legs all over again. Kelley thinks she’s too old for this. Lindsey wonders if she’s ever going to have sex like this again. Emily drapes herself across both of them, content with the fact that she’s in her mid-thirties and living her best life when everybody said that all the fun would be over long ago.

* * *

Sonnett chips a ball from close distance into Lindsey’s back. When Lindsey turns around to nail whomever is responsible for hitting her, Sonnett puts her hands up defensively, laughing, and with an annoyed sigh, Lindsey flips the ball back to the ground. “Y’all still coming tonight?” Sonnett asks, tossing Lindsey a water bottle.

“Yeah,” Lindsey replies, and then more hesitantly, “Is it weird?” she wants to know. “It feels weird.”

Sonnett shrugs, missing her mouth with the stream of water, and drawing a snicker from Lindsey. “Blame Kelley for trading for us. She made it weird. Besides, if she gets to have her friends at a dinner party, I get to have my friend over.”

“Well what can I bring then?” Lindsey asks, and Sonnett gives her a confused look. “Like, I’d bring a bottle of wine, but…”

“Oh, she doesn’t care, bring it. More for us. Or just bring beer so the adults don’t drink it.”

Lindsey nods to Abby. “Oh. Yeah I don’t know. Don’t bring anything. It’s Kelley.”

Exactly, Lindsey thinks. It’s _Kelley_. “Sonnett, that’s not an option.”

“Fine. Bring me a plant.”

“You don’t need another plant. You have a jungle.”

“There’s always room for one more, Linds,” Sonnett winks.

“I already got something,” Katie says. As she passes by behind Lindsey, her hand barely grazes Lindsey’s hip. Sonnett snorts, choking on her water, and gets a face full squirted out of Lindsey’s bottle. 

“Stop.” Lindsey glares at her.

“I’m just saying, people are going to find out…”

“Stop!” Lindsey repeats more sternly.

* * *

“I thought you said she was fun?” Sonnett whispers in Lindsey’s ear as they stand off to the side in the den, watching the interactions of the other party guests.

“She is,” Lindsey argues.

Sonnett rolls her eyes. “Flavored vinegars and olive oils and salts? That’s not a fun hostess gift.”

“Kelley seems to really like it.”

“Of course Kell likes it. It’s like, perfect for her.” Lindsey throws her hands up because that was, after all, the whole point. Sonnett slowly sips her beer, thinking. “I was just hoping for something more exciting. Like… inner tubes for Barton Springs or… or… a dartboard.”

“Yeah, you’re right,” Lindsey laughs. “Target run after training tomorrow. For tubes. And a dartboard for the field house. We’re still fun.”

“More fun than your girlfriend,” Sonnett agrees.

“Sonnett!” Lindsey hisses.

“No one in this room cares, Linds. Look around. Head coach living with a player. Two assistant coaches married. Our self-appointed team mom who thinks she’s a therapist, and we like better than our real therapist so I guess that’s ok, is married to our other assistant coach. We’re like a scandalous family but it just _works_.” They find seats on the couch. “What’s it like?” Sonnett asks, turning towards Lindsey. “Falling in love with your roommate slash teammate?” 

Lindsey should know better than to think Sonnett will ever stop giving her a hard time. “I’m not- ” Lindsey sputters before quickly recovering. Over time, she’s learned to give it back. Kind of. “What’s it like being in love with your coach?”

“Not the same. I loved her before she was my coach. But…” Sonnett gets a twinkle in her eye, “I kinda like it when she yells at me.” Lindsey starts laughing loudly enough that conversation in the dining room stops momentarily. They wait for it to pick up again before they continue, avoiding eye contact and trying to hold in more laughter as their faces turn red, like children. “You moved in with her because ‘living alone in a new city sucks,’” Sonnett says, setting down her bottle on the coffee table because the use of air quotes in this conversation is really important here. “Did you really convince yourself that’s why you agreed to it?”

“Use a coaster, Em!” Kelley yells at her from across the room.

“See? She’s hot when she’s angry.” Lindsey nods in agreement, trying not to cackle again. “Anyway, now, you’re in love with a woman,” Sonnett continues.

“I’m not,” Lindsey repeats, but it doesn’t have much punch behind it. “I mean, ok maybe there are some… feelings. But she’s too young.”

“Hmph,” Sonnett smirks. “That’s funny. Kelley said the same thing about me. We both know how that went.”

They sit there for a while longer in silence, watching everyone socialize. Lindsey slips her hand into Sonnett’s, and Sonnett’s eyes drop to it. “You’re still my bus buddy. You’ll always be my best friend. She’s just going to have to deal with it,” Lindsey says quietly. “And I miss you.”

“You could spend the night, you know,” Sonnett wriggles her eyebrows and Lindsey laughs, shoving her away. She picks her beer again and stands, turning more serious. “Miss you, too,” she says, looking into Lindsey’s eyes. It feels like she can see Lindsey’s soul, how she’s this electrifying combination of scared and excited, unsure but exactly where she’s meant to be. Renewed. Finally happy. And that brings Sonnett a lot of peace, because for the first time in a long time, it feels like she doesn’t have to worry about either of the most important women in her life. Sonnett clinks her bottle against Lindsey’s wine glass. “To being true to yourself.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, thanks for coming along for this ride. It wasn't easy to write, and I have to admit, I'm kinda glad it's over. But that's really because I'm excited for part 3, for Emily and Kelley to build a lasting future together. And maybe a little Lindsey spin-off/part 4 eventually before I finally put this thing to bed.


End file.
